I've been kicking ass on a couple really amazing projects the last few weeks. One project I have wanted to do for years. The work has been a pleasure and while there are challenges and work to be done, I have mostly completely the items plenty before their deadlines.
But then, there is this other project. It is a p2, by necessity. Project 1 is happening first, so I have to make sure it is taken care of and have made it my primary focus. Project 2 has been given attention, but not as much, although I am more or less at my desired point in the schedule.
However, this week (and last week) I had wanted to put in some pretty serious work on project 2. Last week's focus slid away from p2 because I was taking care of other important things... and allowing myself some delightful distractions. I told myself I'd make up for it on the weekend. But then, I took the weekend off to hang out with friends and recharge. I was feeling social and I wanted to enjoy that social feeling.
So here we are on Monday morning. I knocked off the little items that were easy. I allowed myself a sufficient distraction. And then I told myself I would get started on Project 2. All the while, I felt this growing anxiety. Unrelated things have also added to this growing anxiety, causing me to jumble up what is really causing this feeling. I want to run and hide from this anxiety. Which I did last week, without really realizing what I was doing.
So what is going on? I stepped out of the house, an excuse to take the dog for a walk under the moist overcast California sky. The air was beautiful, but I was only taking shallow breaths. I felt this tightness in my chest. Rather than run away from these feelings, run to distractions, I let my self breathe and feel uncomfortable. And wow, I felt really uncomfortable. I still do. An underlying nervous energy. Shallow breathing. A grasping for the known and comfortable. I gently understood what was going on.
I was afraid of the unknown.
This project 2 is something I really want to do. But I'm afraid. I've never done something like this before. It's new to me. I have very high standards. It's going to take work. I can't (nor do I want too either) wing it. I want to do a really good job. So I have put myself under a lot of pressure.
It's all these things that cause these uncomfortable feelings. That cause me to reach for the known and comfortable. And yet, I feel paralyzed. Stuck. Fear to take a step. Fear to begin.
I don't think I've consciously identified the feeling of fear of the unknown. But here it is. I'm right in it. Most of the time, my bravado, my curiosity and my excitement carry me to do things others might be afraid of. But just like everyone else, I too am afraid. I still fear unknown things. Even thought they will become known in time.
Comments