Sad for the present

Sometimes I am overcome with sadness of my present. 

I had a realization earlier this week, that there is no one in my life that I talk to on a regular basis. No one who calls me to talk to me every day, or texts. No one whom I email daily with. No one I see everyday. I could kill myself and no one would notice for at least three days.

I've been trying to remember what it's like to live with someone. I think back to my years living together with S. What was that like? It's hard for me to remember. I remember a lot of the times he was gone and I was alone. He was at work, I worked from home. He was gone for the weekend for his second job, I would stay at home. Or he was traveling for his first or second job, and I was home alone with Mr Dog. The nights I was out without him. The nights he was out without me (although he would say these were rare). I spent a lot of time watching Netflix, working on my Master's degree, cleaning, reading, gardening.

What was this living together thing I fantasize about? I try to remember it. It's hard. How is it hard to remember what it was like to live with someone for 7 years? Even when we moved apart we agreed we had lived together well. How can I not remember it now? Was it so unmemorable?

The clearest vision of good living together is when Gloria and I bought the Future. The Future was a house in Mt Washington and for one year, we lived together as roommates. It was the first time either of us had lived with someone who was not our significant other for decades. It was awesome. I dream of replicating it.

My favorite memories of that co-habitation were sharing breakfasts together - coffee and pastries - talking about our dreams and projects. Then going off to our offices to work, or going about our daily non-routines. Sometimes we'd share lunch. For a while I was obsessed with afternoon espressos. Sometimes we'd share dinner together. Sometimes we went our separate ways. It was awesome. She would sometimes travel and so I'd get to take care of her dog. Often we would go on dog walks together, talking about our projects and dreams. I'm sure I'm romanticizing.

For almost two years now I've lived alone. [It's not the first time I've done this - I used to love living alone.] I feel like it's been much longer. I miss co-habitating. I miss someone caring about me daily. Yeah yeah, I can care about myself like this, and yeah yeah, I have Mr Dog co-habitating with me, but it's not the same as another human. And yeah yeah, I don't mean I need an extrovert lavishing attention on me. In retrospect I mostly co-habitate/partner with other introverts.

Sometimes, like today driving on Highland, I get really sad. I think about this person who is my future partner. I wonder what he is doing. Does he yearn for me as much as I yearn for him? He's obviously fucked up and/or not available, because otherwise he'd be in my life, of this I am certain. I hope he gets his shit together soon, because we're going to be so great together. Sometimes, it makes me so sad to not have him around now, because I could really use his help and support and belief and love. I miss having someone to do fun things with like that. Yeah, yeah, I have awesome friends and I do awesome fun things with my friends, and I love them and they love me but it's not the same. Still, I'm getting stronger than ever... I know he likes a strong woman.

Of course the flipside of having no one to check up on me or to live with is that I can literally do whatever I want. I am my own boss, I am fully responsible for my life (and Mr. Dog's). That's a lot of people's dream life's. Living like this is freeing. And it really is freeing - sometimes terrifyingly freeing.

Still, I won't have to give up the freedom I have right now, when Mr Awesome comes into my life. I expect he'll want to live the same kind of life. He'll have his grand dreams. We'll have some dreams together. I'm sure some times will be challenging. I'll hold him close and stroke his hair when he feels paralyzed by his fear. He'll hug me close, wipe the tears from my eyes when I feel all is lost. We'll laugh at some stupid internet videos or my newest pair of ridiculous rainbow unicorn socks. 

That day will come. Sometimes though, I get so sad knowing it is the future.

Comments

[Chad May]

The introvert in me is fighting for control of my keyboard:

The most romantic idea of Soulmates I have ever found:
http://circleoflight.net/index.php/soulmates/soulmate-twin-flame-overview

The most UN-romantic idea of Soulmates I have ever found:
http://www.solvedating.com/

I contrast the images of "Perfect Couples" I meet, and feel they are meant for one another... to the Indians' arranged marriages... to the woman with 4 kids living in a slum in Bangladesh, just hoping her rickshaw driver husband returns home from the streets with something to eat.

In reading what you write elsewhere, it is hard for me to imagine that you would not be hounded daily and almost hourly by friends and acquaintances... vying for your attention, trying to get past your professional mind to your sentiments, wanting your company, maybe antics ;) .

- Chad

[Jason]

Wow! I came across you from the interview that you did with io9, and clicked the link on your name. I never expected to read something so deep that expressed my belief in meeting my future girl so well. I don't think I could even put my own feelings on the subject as well as you did. I haven't been in a romantic relationship for over six years, which is partially good because I have been busy pursuing my undergrad and now my law degree, however I have always had the belief that my girl is "out there" and we will cross paths soon. If we haven't already.

You are not alone. There are many of us out there with similar feelings. Good luck in your pursuit!