In a few weeks, I say goodbye to the decade of my favorite number: 3.
This has weighed heavily on my mind. And while, I am blessed with creating/living my dream life, I also feel a sense of terror unlike I've felt before. It's not about mortality. I've had a very full life - if I died this instant I would not be bummed out. I've done everything I've ever thought to do. It's not that I'm not living out my potential - trying new things - new businesses - creating new projects. It's not that my body is decaying - I am in excellent health, I'm taking the best care of myself as I ever have. I don't look my age. I'm equally practiced in forecasting the future and living by the seat of my pants. And I have accomplished my life "goal."
In my teen's I navigated an evil stepmother, thick forests, gravel roads and the humble isolation of growing up in the midwest. I speeded through college, got engaged to a jazz musician 10 years my senior, spent my 20th birthday in a hotel in San Juan with him (I would regularly fly down to meet him on the weekends. Kinda audacious in retrospect.)
In my 20's, I moved to San Francisco and married my high school sweetheart - the marriage of envy among our friends. After a successful startup aquisition, we had an awesome house in North Berkeley and joked that we were DITC /dit-zy/ - Double Income Two Cats. I still miss my russian blue siamese mix: mik mak t-mac. He wrote, I killed myself working/commuting long hours in the tech industry. My only goal in life was "enlightenment" and I studied at the foot of philosophers, priests and sorcerers. I "attained" it, not that it mattered anymore. Things unraveled, our paths diverged. I left San Francisco a few months after my 30th birthday to jump deep into the SoCal unknown.
My 30's have been one love affair with Los Angeles after another. I met amazing collaborators and friends. I embarked on unbelievable projects - like buying a house with someone I met just 6 months prior (we remain good friends). My creativity exploded, I started a company, organized events that helped build LA's tech community, performed on stage and in the streets. Explored the desert with guns, burning unicorns and explosions. It wasn't all roses, I experienced my biggest failures and betrayals. Reinvented myself multiple times. Wrote a guide to creating your most awesome life. Became an expert at planning and organizing and evolved my career. A futurist I am today. Hollywood story as my life. I couldn't ask for more!
My 39th year has been a reformatting. A collecting of the best tools of the past. Rebuilding myself physically, spiritually, emotionally. Endings and healings. Closure of a dream. A new dream quietly sprouting in the ashes. There is more room in my heart and life than ever and it keeps expanding.
What will my 40s bring? With trepidation I enjoy the last weeks, days of my 39th year. I am not afraid to turn 40. I did not have a successful youth. I'm getting better with age, while not looking my age. ;) (Thank you youth obsessed mom!)
The thing that scares me about turning 40 is the closing of possibilities. The openness of anything is possible I felt when I moved to LA when I was 30 is gone. I know magic will find me. I know anything is still possible. But it seems like there is less of it for me now. (Feel free to prove me wrong Universe.) In this youth focused city - media culture, I feel less valued. I have more scars. I am more hesitant and equally ridiculously spontaneous, willing to take wild risks or stay home nursing my introverted emo self with Mr Dog and Science Fiction. I yearn for unforgettable experiences and irreplaceable partners more than ever. Sometimes these are easy to find on the disco ball dogwalk - and sometimes I feel I seek the impossible (I do). "Impossible is only temporary." But I am also impatient. I know life doesn't wait.
As I close out this decade, I try to put aside the assumptions I have about my life. Many times I dreamed what my life would be like in my 20s, 30s. I never once looked in this upcoming decade. Does that mean I have no expectations? I'm sure I expect more of the same sweet awesome reinvention evolution perfection of my previous decades. I'm a little afraid to say goodbye to my 30s. We have been so good together. So many great projects. I really came into my own and manifested absolutely everything I dreamed. It scares me to leave that locked away in this decade. Will I have the strength, courage to keep living my life this way? I hope so.
So 40 year old Heather... I look forward to meeting you in a few weeks. Take my trembling hand, let's walk down the aisle of the decade together and embark on a new adventure. I hope we have that in us.
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