Santa wasn’t going to dis the Free Santacon happening this year, but pesky socialist left wing Elves had to stick their upturned noses into Santa’s biznatch, staging a pre-emptive strike and speaking out publicly against the $20 Santacon.
“Lower class elves should be able to play in their own reindeer games,” says left-leaning Santalitical Analyst Ariel VonHohoington, “and the Santa-Elf rebellion is their way of uniting for the cause.”
No one in the $20 LA Santacon camp is saying that a FREE SantArchy shouldn’t exist. I hope they have a great time walking. For miles. In the rain. Downtown. With the bedbugs. Santa’s Sexy Helpers are too high maintenance for that puddle of pizzle, so expect a curmudgeonly Santa Sausage party.
Good luck getting anyone to shell out anything for surprises – that means no snow, no yellow jello and definitely no cases of PBR (Hipster Santa’s beer of choice) being passed out – cause all of that costs money! We tried a socialist Santacon last year, even had the ‘pay if you want or not’ option. That got us some sparkly ponies and some loud chick with a megaphone and a giant dick squirt gun stripping at a subway station in Boyle Heights. Certainly, um . . . fun, but in no way as epic as this one will be.
Someone has to pay for the god-damned ponies and this time, those of us who DO ante up and shell out real live cash (not candy cane currency) are hanging together because last year there were a lot of Santas who paid money to go and it was the Santas who didn’t pay who ate all the fucking pizza and bitched about how they didn’t get a little medal, like paying Santas did.
And good god, I really hope that the Santa with the accordion joins us again. That guy was fun. I’d even sponsor him. At least he brings merriment to the festivities, instead of complaints. Whew, and I hope that the photographers from the LA Times latch on to the free Santarchy, instead of bothering us. We have our own paparazzi – who actually participate and pay for a sleigh pass – instead of stalking us with their lenses and pretending through their khaki get-ups that they’re somehow ‘with us’. Free Santarchy can have the clown protest too. No, wait, on second thought, I think they are somehow affiliated with us.
“Let them drink Nog!” rebutted Mrs. Claus in a recent statement, when asked how the struggling elves were to feed their families.
Not all is merry and bright up in the North Pole – nay – this is not a one sided issue. Everyone likes to pretend like sleighs have never been used in the past for Santacon. And there are hordes of Elitist Elves who jet off to San Francisco, ABQ, Austin and Chicago (where the cost of a sleigh is a whopping $25) No one mentions that. Yet, there is a contention amongst some in LA Santa circles to bitch and moan instead of smile and HO. Now, if we could just get the lower wage Elves to stop sniffing glue . . .
I have a dream . . . A dream that LA could have TWO SantaCons that could gloriously merge at some pre-ordained meeting point for perhaps one round of condensed merriment and poking fun at the expense of soccer moms who rush out in their mini-vans in droves to drain Wal-Marts everywhere of Elf on A Shelf.
‘Cause let us not forget, whether you pay money or not to party with hundreds of other Santas in a large metropolitan area and act like an idiot, THAT is the real reason Santa takes to the streets.
Guest post by SantaTude!