heathervescent

A Heavy Week

I'm juggling Jury Duty this week along with the job/what to do next search, the 3 year anniversary of the Geek Dinner and my Mom's upcoming visit to OC to scatter my grandfather's (her Dad's) ashes.

Last night I went to a sweat lodge. It was my first time. I had always wanted to experience a sweat lodge and I arrived last night with a bunch of heavy stuff. I went to pray for my grandfather, for my mother and for myself. Although I wasn't close to my grandfather, I just really feel the need to send him off good on his next journey. Although I won't get anything from his estate (nor do I want anything) I have asked him for something much more important to me - his metaphorical slide rule.

Before the lodge began, I spoke to Wolf, the leader, and told him about my mothers cancer. I wasn't going asking for a miracle - just her hope, faith and comfort. After he heard my story - he gave me permission and encouraged me to ask for the miracle. He explained that this world - and each and every one of us - was created by the creator - the great grandfather - with a prayer. This was exactly what we were going to do tonight. Anything was possible with prayer.

In the hot darkness, the rocks glowed. I heard the steam sizzling, I smelled cedar. I heard the prayers. So many with cancer. So much pain. So much gratitude. Was it my sweat or were those my tears? The cool air swirled around my body like an old friend. I felt the spirits circle around me and the pressure of their hands on my back - looking deep deep inside me. I surrendered to the heat. The drums, the songs took my energy, my prayers deep out of this world.

I remain here.

Screwdriver vs Ax

I reached for the screw driver, but it turned into an ax. I put the transformed tool back on the shelf, to pick up another tool, but in each place, there was the same ax. I dare not pick it up, lest I use it. The ax is a delicate tool with shattering results. I must not wield it lightly. The blow is not one that can be recovered from. Severed. Divisive. End. of. the. line.

In the back of my mind, the mantras of compassion, mercy, we are all one, undivided, working for the best possible world, in the direction of highest enlightenment, for the good of all. Kohlberg's levels - and the axes vibrate in their tool nooks. I visit the faces of the past. Each experience educates. I ask my future self for advice - the person who already lived though this and more. I do not want to follow-past blueprints. Relive past mistakes. Free-will is about jumping the groove. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to do something different. 

I don't know what to do and then the answer appears. The ax flies to my hand and the deed is done. The present severed into the past.

It could have been the screwdriver. And somewhere, it is. 

Bruce Returns

Several years ago I went though several months of reading most of  Bruce Chatwin's work. He is one of my favorite authors along with Italio Calvino and Jonathan Carroll. At that time I collected and read most of his books - but not all. A collection of short stories stared it's title at me most mornings. (I have a bookshelf facing my bed in the bedroom) called "What am I doing here?"

I pulled it out the other night and started reading. Immediately I was taken back to the delight of reading his prose. I came across Chatwin's writing just when I decided to make my writing both more non-fiction as well as fiction. The line between truth and reality is often fuzzy perception. I prefer to fuzz the line in the direction of fiction as far as possible while keeping the story activities in the truth. That's why for the past several years I've been walkabouting through intense activities - creating the borderlands. That and the novelty factor.

But there's something about coming back to a place you know well. A place you not only know but love well. That includes the writing of Bruce Chatwin.

My inspiration to travel has returned. I use to feed that wanderlust by traveling to the furthest, exotic, difficult, rugged locations. I've flown into tin shack airports in the south pacific in the middle of two political coups. I've traveled 5 hours over sand dunes to get to a remote beach in the north of Brazil - twice. I've boated up and down the Nile, picking through Eqyptian Temples and hiking into the pyramids, not to mention navigating haggling for belly dancing costumes in the largest bazaar in Turkey.

But those locations are no longer foreign. The most dangerous and exotic small locations in the world are right here in our backyard - it is a small town America.

This first occurred to me when I went to a small town outside of Reno to demolish some cars. Let, me take that back. This idea first occurred to me in 1996 while driving the gravel roads in fecund Iowa summer. It was a comparison of the fields, forests and plains of the midwest to the savanna of Africa. The only reason we don't think the things around us are exotic is because they are so familiar.

That is why I think the small town is a most exotic place. If you've ever lived in a small town - it's freaking hard to make a living. It's much harder to make a living in Cedar Falls, Iowa than New York City. Hard to believe, but true.

Anyway, I've meandered. My point is that in my travel revival due to Chatwin's wonderful writing I've restarting my exotic travels - to the most exotic locations on earth - small town America.

1300 mile highlights

Eight hundred miles in the past three days. (A total of 1300 in the past week.) Three states. Many states of mind. Much stimulation of the brain. Meeting new people. Getting to know acquaintances better. There are not enough words in my exhausted brain to even begin describing all that transpired the past seven days. I returned to Los Angeles a few hours ago - a car full of packages and a bit more worn for the wear. Both my fog lights were blown out Friday night after hitting a raccoon just outside of Sedona and a rabbit about 30 minutes south of the Hoover Dam.

I will try to pull out some snippets from my memory.

Most recently I returned from Death Valley this afternoon after a sleepless night filled with stars and conversations. A friend brought up two concepts I realized during our conversing I don't really know or use: Mercy and Happiness. I am not motivated to live my life with Happiness in mind. I have other emotions that motivate me. And about Mercy, well, it never even occurred to me. I don't think I even know what Mercy is. I generally wield the ax of justice and it definitely severs relationships. So this concept of pondering mercy and how to be more merciful, is intriguing and something I will meditate on - and perhaps practice.

Hiking at dusk in Sedona. I wanted to go to a magical place and instead the trail I chose went along an Indian resort. I was irritated and frustrated. It was getting dark, and it was not my idea at all to drive 5 hours to Sedona only to be surrounded by the sounds of cars and air conditioning and civilization when I was supposed to be in a magical place. I guess the Indians need to make a living too.

When I stopped to catch my breath on the trail at the twisted juniper right where the sign was posted "You are on camera, so don't jump the fence you stinky hikers" complete with industrial lights destroying the natural darkness. I spied a ledge - right in the middle of the light. I had a flash of inspiration and went straight to the spot - straight in the middle of the spotlight under the surveillance cameras and proceeded to meditate upon being in the spotlight. And so, instead of fighting my self about NOT being in the spotlight because that's not where I thought I wanted to be, I understood why I need to be in the spotlight because that is really where I must be. Inner conflict resolved.

I can't even begin to express how much the conference I attended in Tucson effected me. Over the next few days I'll try to write up some notes. I attended the conference to learn more about what science is doing around the study of understanding and explaining consciousness and the human brain. I left with the beginnings of a new language and awe for ourselves and awe for science. I plan to explore my interest in this subject more and more in the coming years.

I love driving in the desert at night. I put the top down and looked at the stars, felt the wind in my face as I drove back from the official conference dinner Thursday night at the Desert Museum. I put on Orbital Blue Album and took in the wind, driving fast and taking the curves. I am happiest at the wheel of my car, alone on a dark two lane twisty highway. My car is an extension of my body - I feel the vibrations of my tires on the road through my stick and wheel. I listen to the motor as I increase RPMs and slow down, shifting accordingly for speed or coast.

I wondered, why does this make me so happy? To be alone, a bullet speeding along. But then I stop thinking and enjoy the ride. This is truly something I love.

I felt the same way when I came upon the Hoover dam past midnight. I had spent hours driving through Arizona. Napoleon Hill was speaking to me in those midnight hours (and when the rabbit met her death under my wheel). I passed through the check point and then was upon the dam. A huge bright lit construction was being built above me. I was in awe at modern engineering. I slowed and looked at the new bridge. It was beautiful and massive.

A moment later I crested a hill and a city of twinkling lights unfolded below me. It was beautiful. And for once in my life I saw the beauty of Las Vegas. I found my way to the Strip and a posh hotel filled with friends. A strong difference of my last days in the desert.

There are many more stories to write. Many more things I want to share with you - my anonymous readers. But tonight I sleep. For tomorrow another adventure begins and I must tend to my dreams.

To Kick Ass in 2008....

The theme for 2008 is the lion with a bucket of water in the spotlight aka going mainstream. I know that might sound a bit strange but that is what my 2008 meditation is going to be about. Probably in reality I will have this pegged in May, but we'll see.

I also have big plans for kicking off/revitalizing two very different communities in Los Angeles. Neither is related to the LA Tech community. Let's just say "the only way up is down" and I'm going "down down underground" and I like to stir the pot. Instead of a magic wand, I carry a wooden spoon, which can be used in much the same way.

I'm very excited to take on this, the biggest challenge I have thought up this far.

Recap 2007: A Year of Pimping and Promoting

I knew 2006 was going to be a hard year to follow. I didn't even try to come up with a goal as big as "to kick ass" for 2007, because I thought there was no way I could even come close. Instead 2007 was the year of 007- double triangle - the Jesus Year.

My goals were to 1) find my reason for existence; 2) pimp and promote; 3) simplify; and 4) create. At the bottom of list in my 2007 guidebook I found this in my own handwriting: "Rally myself into an unstoppable brand." I find that humorous. My only specific goal was to spend 40 days in the desert, because hey - it's the Jesus year, right? I didn't hit that one. I just couldn't take myself away from my projects for 40 days. So how did I do? Pretty awesome actually. Specifics after the jump.

Voting Day

San Francisco votes for a new mayor today. Like I have said before, following Chicken in this race has been inspiring. He's audaciously plucked his cubic centimeter of chance and run run run with it.

Today, the people of San Francisco will vote. I don’t know how many. I don’t know who they are gonna vote for, but something is gonna happen. When I decided to run it was because nothing was happening. And something has to happen. I hope that the something that happened was as fun for you as it was for me.

 

And who knows… maybe this is just the beginning…

Another dot on the line of life. Of possibilities explored. I wish I could join the party tonight at 12 Galaxies. But another me, a different heather, one who never left San Francisco is there playing her part, possibly not  even named heather - but she - or he - is being the me, who would be, there.

And there is another universe, where I am there, celebrating the win, and the end of the beginning and the beginning of something else. A Calixeco Muni. I have been there, have been that person, for others.

Please live it well. Savor the moment - it only happens once - but the taste can last eternity.

Burning Man is not my desert

I told you a little bit about my desert and how I like to experience it. Today, I want to tell you that Burning Man is NOT like that desert experience. When you go to Burning Man, you are not leaving civilization. You are not in a desolate, barren place. It is instead a blank canvas on which many possibilities in human creativity are realized.

Burning Man is the intersection of two worlds. The natural world - everything on this earth came from the earth. Everything has been refined. Every single thing you'll see on the playa (or today wherever you are) came from the earth. And the human world. Man taking these raw materials and transforming them into magical fantastic creations.

At burning man, we are all actors on a stage. We've disconnected from our everyday life and take on the persona of someone else. This disconnect allows something new to happen - call it magic. It's a bath in this type of energy. It's addictive to shed your stinky character and be something different.

The first time I was on the playa, I was disgusted. I hated the destruction of the desert quietude with the racour of dance clubs. The destruction of the cracked surface into a fine powder. This was another way people - supposedly enlightened people - we just abusing nature. But then I saw this is not about Nature. It's about humanity. (And it's not about people living in harmony with nature either.) It's an opportunity to leave everything behind, and become like the playa - a blank canvas on which a picture will be painted. A new story to be lived. It's a disconnect. A view, that the life you think you have to live, is the only way.

Because it's not.

But you don't have to go to Burning Man to get that. But you won't find a wider display of human creativity anywhere on the planet.

Delerious

This is a quick update from Frank Zappa's Camarillo (Brillo). Am I getting old or did I just spend all day driving, getting nowhere except covered in rubber. Really, black streams of rubber just washed down my body into the shower drain.

I.am.exhausted.

Like never before. Class was a.w.e.s.o.m.e. A true dream come true.

It feels so good to have dreams come true. They are not so far out of reach. And when you start tasting them - what they taste like - there is no going back. There is no more soul selling and putting off for tomorrow. There is only the present. Living.

Black pavement. Airplanes overhead. Sun blinding your eyes (because doh - you left your sunglasses back at the hotel). Blowing tires, burning rubber. I was the first to knock down a cone (I gave myself permission to knock down cones because I wanted to do the course faster and tighter. And I did. And then I didn't knock any cones down.) I blew a tire practicing ebraking (pre-180 slides or were they sliding 90s?). My eyes hurt like never before. I have blisters on my hands, thumbs from practicing the shuffle and pulling up on the ebrake.

It took me 20 tried to do my first slide. I practiced Zen Mind - even when berated and taunted. As I increased speed, my calmness stood, although my hands were flying. I kept hearing the voice of my yoga teacher who says "palmy hands up" saying "no palmy hands" as I kept them below the center line.

I am learning (remembering) more than skills, the importance of tires. I am remembering to look to the horizon, to pause before pulling the trigger. Timing. The feel of the cars, the road, the manuevars. I am remembering to live with a wide smile across my face.

Saying goodbye feels good

You know how the heart's desire series says you gotta make room? Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye. But you gotta make room for all the new exciting stuff. So today, I say good bye to the blogger heather. It's my last month at Daily Mantra and Blogging.la. Admittedly I've not been posting much on b.la, but it's finally time to say goodbye. Daily Mantra is getting a new editor, Nicole and she's going to be great.

I'm excited to be pulling all my blogging back to heathervescent. And I've got a couple new websites I'll be telling you about soon (I hope), and then there's the whole LA Tech thing. It's not like I'm hanging out by the pool filing my nails. ;)