heathervescent

On Thanking

I'd describe 2009 as the year of the dark cloud with the silver lining. It feels like there has been lots of disappointments and little success. But for each dark cloud - I have focused on the silver lining. I am thankful for these silver linings

1. Mom Kicking Cancer. She was diagnosed with a really bad cancer earlier this year. We thought she might have only a year to live - but she's actively kicking cancer's ass. yay for mom.
2. The Best Boyfriend in the World. I can't even begin to talk about how awesome the boyf is. I'm very thankful for him.
3. Traveling. My flexible schedule (aka lots of free time) have made it possible for me to visit my grandparents, my dad, my mom and visit Anna in Peru. It's important to connect with people in person.
4. Friends. I know a lot of people, but I let few into my heart. When I think of those close to me, I am amazed by them. I need to remember there are more good people in the world and there are lots of people I could be better, closer friends with.
5. My Pup. A good dog is better than all the people in the world. I've just learned this dog-owner fact.
6. My Body. Although I could lose a few pounds, I am in great shape and I've never (knock on wood) had any major health problems. I'm happy with my mind, my intelligence and what I create using all my cells.
7. My clean carpet and my nice house. It's come a long way from the bachelor pad of 3 years ago. My home always must be my favorite place in the world and it is.
8. My container garden. I was not to be stopped by having no backyard to plant in - I took over the driveway and created a flourishing garden with trees, roses, flowers and herbs in containers.
9. My newfound excitement in science and future studies. I've always been a predictor - seen and created the future. The only people I knew who did that were crazy sibyls not using scientific methods - that is, until I found out about future forecasting based on science methods. I know this study is something I wish to pursue.

With every disappointment, I find a silver lining. I find something to learn. Some way to improve myself. A new perspective. Because I believe everything happens for a reason - just sometimes you don't know what that reason is.

A Whole Vacant Lot

I love a metaphor. Usually when you tell someone you love them it's full of flourishes, flowers and bits from the heart. Gushy, soft musings. Full of metaphor and comparisons.

I was reminded of a metaphor I used to tell my dad how I loved him. I would always say, I love you a whole vacant lot. Why? Because that was the biggest thing I could think of. Today, I still remember the original vacant lot, and it still makes perfect sense. However, I can understand why you might be confused, that's just how my brain works.

Photo by Steve Vance via Flickr.

Imagine all that filled with love. That's the metaphor.

Feeling Philosophical

I am the ox that plows the fields, but I do not get to reap what is grown in them. I try to be satisfied in my role, but it makes me sad sometimes.

Then again, neither does the seed reap the benefit of what it becomes.

My Relationship with The Pyramid

I was reminded by a conversation I had with a big Fortune 500 CEO several years ago. He was very successful and I was helping him on his new venture. He quipped something about making it to the top of the pyramid. And this took me aback for a moment.

I am repulsed by people focusing on climbing to the top. Level 3 all the way. At one point in my career, I thought I had to play this game and succumbed to play a hand. It made me sick, but gave me a lot of fodder for self-observation. I should actually thank the level 3 organization, because it added a lot on my journey through enlightenment.

What interests me much more and seems a more worthy "goal" is to raise the pyramid from the bottom. Raise the floor. The frusteration in this, is all the people walking ontop of you still trying to get to the top of the pyramid (not supporting the mutual advancement).

What if there is no pyramid? The bottom is the same as the top. It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do it. And the key reason for doing anything is your love, passion for it. And now I have gotten entangled in one of my philosophies, Mr Shakespeare!

Roadtrip Stats

• 3 weeks
• 5277.5 miles
• 12 states: CA, AZ, NM, TX, OK, KS, MS, IA, NB, CO, UT, NV, CA
• 1 lost wallet
• 2 car casualties (fog light chip and lost my rear wheelwell plastic protector in CO snow)
• Countless national and state parks, monuments and forests
• Reconnecting with old friends, making new friends
• My faith in humanity regained

More thoughts on Resistance

A few posts ago, I wrote that "when the going gets tough, I get discouraged." I've been thinking about that since I wrote it, since it's not exactly true. There are things you can do and change, and there are things that are too big, or old or not worthwhile to put forth effort to change.

When I am working on something, nothing gets in my way. Against all odds and adversaries, I accomplish my goals, make my dreams come true - but - and this is a big but - only if it's what I really want. Somethings are just beyond my control.

Even as I write this, I could use this as an excuse. But you have to know how far you are willing to go, the price you are willing to pay and what you are willing to endure. And if that takes your farther away from your dream, well then, maybe it's a good thing resistance stepped in the way and made you think twice.

Everyone has the days where you think you can take over the world. Nothing is between you and your vision. And then there are days when it seems that every obstacle is right in front of you. Those days need to be lived. They are part of the roller-coaster ride. But for every down, there is an up. And those days of invincibility are always around the corner.

Most Happy

I've been doing a lot of thinking about happiness and satisfaction. I never really had much of either. I've never been one to be satisfied with anything, let alone myself. A few weeks ago, that changed. There was no epiphany. It wasn't a sudden realization - a voice from god or vahalla. I was pondering some things and I realized that I have accomplished the life, the thing I set my intention to accomplish. It was the only thing I would have sacrificed anything - everything - and I have - to accomplish. I quietly realized that here I was, with it right here.

So there's my life's goal accomplished, now what?

It's not that my life's goal was my reason for existence or why I'm here on this earth. It's not.

I feel like a clean new whiteboard. I've completed all the levels and killed the big bad demon. I've whizzed though the expansion packs and played different characters.

I've won the master game. I'm finally satisfied. Knowing this, I am happy. I can go home and work in my garden in the best of all possible worlds.

Number 22

If you want to be whole,
let yourself be partial.
If you want to be straight,
let yourself be crooked.
If you want to become full,
let yourself be empty.
If you want to be reborn,
let yourself die.
If you want to be given everything,
give everything away.

The Master, by residing in the Tao,
sets an example for all beings.
Because he doesn't display himself,
people can see his light.
Because he has nothing to prove,
people can trust his words.
Because he doesn't know who he is,
people recognize themselves in him.
Because he has no goal in mind,
everything he does succeeds.

-Tao Te Ching

Taking Responsibility

Well, it happened again. I felt betrayed, loss of trust, someone I thought was more evolved practicing low level business practices. At first, I was angry, considering confrontation, wanting retribution. But I could see it from her side. I saw how she would argue and what a complete waste of my energy it would be to engage.

So instead, I took responsibility for my emotions.

They're completely valid - she did a dickish move. I've gotten second and third and fourth opinions. (The level of dickishness varies in some of those opinons, but all think it was low.) I thought she was more evolved. Maybe she was. It doesn't matter now. All that does matter, is what I do, how I take responsibility for moving forward and beyond.

I don't need retribution. I've got everything I can possibly want and need. I'm living my dream life. All my dreams are belong to moi. I live in the best of all possible worlds. It's just sometimes I forget that, because I fall under someone else's spell. Enter into a dream with someone else.

This was a good reminder on taking responsibility. I had never applied it to my emotions before and it's very effective. Sure I might feel certain things, but it's not up to anyone else to solve those problems, to make me feel better. There's nothing she could do to change what I think now. No retribution big enough. Damage has been done, but I remain unscathed. I'm the only one who can change the way I feel. And I have.

Rx

Well, this has been one hell of a Mercury retrograde. I am flabbergasted at the amount of miscommunication I have witnessed. I am reminded that people see things from their point of view, most of the time with attachments and or baggage. OK, so I admit, sometimes I'm in that group. But the majority of the time I spend outside of my POV trying to understand where people are coming from. That's the fun part. Getting to know a new view - understanding the motivation, the person. So you can better work together for a common goal.

I forget how judgmental people are. Most of the time, I reserve my judgment. You see, it just takes up too much energy to make an assumption on limited data. I like to give people chances. It's like the books I've been reading on random theory.

A friend of the past used to make snap decisions about people. On more than one occasion, she'd meet someone and immediately dislike them. For me, even if I got a weird vibe and there was no click, I'd try to understand where they were coming from. Not write them off. Give the benefit of the doubt.

But people make assumptions. They judge. Don't give the benefit of the doubt. And twist your words in their own mind. This leads to misunderstandings.

I should know this by now. But I forget. Because I try to focus on the positive (except when I'm angsting about the negative) and expect people to be their better self. Bad, Heather. You should know better, especially with Mx doing his interference thing.