heathervescent

Life is but a dream...

The final scene from my favorite film

The 2011 Retrospective

What a watershed year! Pivotal. My 2011 Mindmap of goals was packed, and yet, I did not fail to deliver. After 2010 - the year I did too much, I wanted to relax things but still kick ass. My themes were: Relaxed Awesome, Weaving the Threads and Return to the Path with Heart. I most certainly "succeeded" at all three.

• Grad School: Hit the books big time with my Future of Transactions Research, on track to graduate at the end of the year until the dream job put grad school on hold... ;)
• The Conference Circuit: Spoke at SXSW, Future of Money, WFS Austin, Web 2.0, WFSummit Vancouver, Sibos Toronto, Compass, Mindshare & APF Virtual Gathering; Attended TedxCalTech, PayPal Developer's Conference, Internet Identity Workshop (A & B)
• Awards! Honorable Mention for the Value Exchange, Fly Me to the Moon nominated for Most Important Futures Work
• Scholarships! Kay Hamilton Future Studies, PEO ELF Award
• Produced two Films: Fly Me to the Moon and Flowers for Grandma (post-production)
• Became Bi-Coastal: Boy, did New York really get under my skin, but she had to bring out the big guns to do it. 
• Found my Dream Job: Who knew it existed? (Actually, I did.)
• The Usual Cacophony in March, June, August and December: Brides, Caveman, bi-coastal Santarchy and a surprising wolf pack in upper Manhattan. 
• Tons of great times/re-connections with friends from my early SF Intervista/Cacophony days in SF, NY and Portland.
• Despite family death and illnesses (cancer, knee surgery, brain tumor), I have the best relationships with my family I've ever had. Spent tons of time and holidays with my family, including my first fly fishing trip with Dad. Became an aunt for the second time.
• Travel! Hawaii, SF (3x), Montana, Colorado, Belgium (2x), Black Rock City, London, Toronto, Vancouver, New York City (5x), Austin, Houston, Salton Sea, Mountain View, Mammoth, Palos Verde, Portland and always to return to my City of Angels.
• Barcamp LA Returns! After a two year hiatus, I was part of the team that brought it back. 
• Writing: Completed two scripts, although I didn't do as much Sci-Fi story writing as I wanted...

My focus for 2012 was going to be "the Return of the H-bomb." (H-Bomb is one of my nicknames, mostly used in 2005-8, my kick ass years.) But after reviewing this year, I think the H-bomb is back in full force.

So 2012... is the year of living the future in present tense, with all my ass kicking warrior rockstar dreaming manifesting magic. Take my hand, there is plenty of space to dance here in the eye of the tornado... 

The Unknown: Fireflies and the Rain

(another one, from another time)

I was driving the N. Virginia back roads. I'm stalking the battlefield I recently visited. A technique I've found myself doing is going back to places twice, but never from the same route or necessarily the exact same place.

It's misty. Been raining. There is the misty fog on the road. The pavement is black. Slick. Sleek. Inviting. The lights from my car do not penetrate very far into the darkness beyond the mist. I have the windows down. The mist and rain is flying into the car and my hair is flying around. I can feel the power in the air. The wind. The moisture. I drink it in.

I'm backtracking and I don't know it yet. I follow roads and turn onto new ones at the slightest flicker of direction. I find myself pulling into a parking area. It's very dark. The sky is that cloudy grey. The trees are black against the grey. I get out of the car. I hear the rain falling from the trees, yet it is not falling from the sky. The field is open and I hear creaking noises (almost like branches rubbing together but deeper) coming from it. I peer into it. I see flickers of light. I realize they are fireflies. 
The strange creaking, the mist, the black outline of the trees, the flickers of lights. I walk out into the field to be surrounded by it.

 

An encounter with Death, circa 2002

(Note: this was written almost a decade ago, before this blog existed)

Last night the Virginia back roads coaxed me away from my glowing liquid display and conditioned air into the moist pleasure of evening. I found myself on two lane roads. I didn't know where I was, how I got there, or how to get home. I followed the nudges of infinity. To turn here or there. I found myself at the end of a dead end road. The tarmac was crumbling into the overgrowth. There were two dirt tracks that went on behind a vehicle barrier. I parked the car. I was wearing my work clothes - business casual pants and shoes. The forest called to me. I was drawn to a path near the vehicle barrier. 

I got out of the car. As I walked towards the path, I looked down and saw a spinal column set of vertibraes. I stopped. I was surprised, shocked, a slight wave of fear went through my body. I looked at the vertibraes. They were beautiful, bone white, they fit together perfectly. My eyes followed the line and I saw the skull still attached. I realized that it had been a deer. 

As I looked at the spinal column, I thought about how crazy it is what I am doing. That it is crazy for a single woman, all alone, unfamiliar with the area to go randomly driving, stop someplace where she doesn't know she is, and walk into the forest. My brain is churning with how crazy it is. I know it sounds that way, but that doesn't stop me. The spinal column is a reminder of my death. That one day I will die. Perhaps it will be this night in this forest. And if that is the case, then I must go to it with courage, curiosity but no fear. 

For a moment, my brain creates a view of the world where I am getting back into the car and driving away, and then I realize that I am walking into the forest. The air is calm, moist. It is just after sunset. The light filters through the trees. There are bugs humming in the air. There are fireflys flickers orbs of light here and there. It is magical and I feel the power. The light is that of my dreams, I call it the darklight. 

At the end of the path I find a reservoir. The water is calm. There are a pair of fishermen out in a boat. I can hear their voices across the water. I sit by the edge on some rocks and become enveloped in the silence. In the dream of this place.

 

My Favorite Roadtrip Moment

There is one single series of moments that is always my favorite in every roadtrip.

Most of time I'm a solo individual on the highway. I admit, I tend to drive towards the faster end of the spectrum. My recent roadtrip to Texas cajoled me into a high speed comfort zone. Here's the vision: me in my swedish "born from jets" black turbo convertible winking at the pickups. If one passed me, I'd peer up to see what was on the dash. I had to give up the Valentine One when the boyf got the speedier vehicle, but I can recognize the device. When I'd see one in a truck speeding by, I'd increase my speed and fall into their groove. There's a sense of camaraderie driving with a pack at [redacted] speed. The creation of an ad hoc community formed by the shared value of speed. Individuals identified only by make, model and color. A vehicular tango.

I am always filled with sadness and spent adrenaline when our paths inevitably part.

I had a particularly wonderful engagement with a pickup in Colorado several years ago. We zipped through the rockies, threading the needle with the slower cars. I was hours ahead of schedule. Just after we crossed into Utah, he headed south while I continued west. As our engagement ended, we rolled down our windows and waved as we drove further apart. Although I never knew his name and we never spoke a word, hell - I never saw what he looked like; we connected on another level. Our tires tread the same hot pavement. The memory of those moments are as fresh as yesterday.

Goodbye stranger, it's been nice. Thanks for joining me, for miles in paradise.

Thanks to Jordan for this lovely picture.

Kicking Dust

The wheels turned off the pavement to dust. We bounced over the transition. The road was level, no washboarding and I accelerated painting a trail of dust to the mountain. I follow the girls names, zigzagging and fish-tailing the back, never mind the sloshing gasoline.

The dust line ends at my gallows gate. Beyond it is a metaphor and a lot of hard work. I roll the wheels beyond and stop. The road noise is swallowed by the sweltering heat. And it is sweltering.

I pull the thermometer from its packaging and watch the red line rise. Inside the house it stops at 108. Despite this number, the desert is alive. The wind blows, hot as an oven. There is the constant hum of insects and the birds we've displaced chirp and twitter. 

We sit inside, in that heat, drinking effervescent wine. I look around at the bare beams, the crumbing insulation, the buckling floor, the jerry-rigged windows. My eyes soak in the view, looking for clues in the rusty nails, the window frames. My mind works the ratiocination. My imagination creates stories of the past, possibilities of the future. My body suffers in the heat and calculates the effort of these possibilities. For now, enjoying the cool bubbles.

Future of Space Travel Analogy

The breakthrough came this morning:

Birds are to the Earth as Humans are to Space.

The analogy is not as simple as it may seem. There is a new Nature report out describing a type of internal GPS/internal avian magnetic compass that birds use to navigate their migrations.

Wouldn't it be cool (and perhaps it is necessary) for humans to create/develop a similar sense to navigate to cosmos?

Great Art

"They’re accessible and subversive at the same time. If that isn’t the definition of great art, what is?" (source)

YES!!! Accessible and subversive. Open and Closed. Displaying both sides of the coin, along with the coin, and the limitations of a coin. Opening the art to outsiders to experience and express it their own way. To make what is not theirs, theirs and thusly important.

2010 Themes

Oh, it's going to be a year of burning. Burning Desire that is. I'm sitting here in my office, (which I hope I will not be sitting in next year) looking at my mindmap of goals for 2010. I've tried different techniques in the years I've blogged, chucking out the old for the fresh and new. This year, I'm returning to some tried and true, and mixing and mashing up my techniques.

You probably know by now, that I'm very goal focused. But sometimes goals are not what is needed. Being goal orientated can sometimes be too rigid. To not allow for the magic and spontaneity to express itself. To lose an opportunity because you ignore it. Goals fixate you. (And this is a double-edged sword.)

This year, I've got several mindsets I'm remembering, some very specific goals, some vague goals and stretch goals. I'll share one from each bucket.

Mental Mindsets: Yes, and...

Several years ago, I started a start-up company with an actor. He had interesting ways of thinking about things, and one thing I learned from him was this concept of "yes, and." I remembered learning it in an improv class. You see, when you're improving with someone, for it to be good, to flow, you have to accept what they have given you, and then take it from there. You can't deny what has been given to you, even if it's something utterly ridiculous. You say yes, and take it where you want to take it from there.

The Specifics: Throw a party at my desert property

On New Years Day, I visited my property in the desert. It's been through it's fair share of drama in the short time I owned it, so I have kept it fallow. This year, my simple goal, is to invite a select group of friends out to my land and break it in. It might be next month, it might be July, it might be October, but Heather is going to throw a raging desert party on land I own in 2010.

The Vague: Cultivate Relationships that Fulfill Me

I've done an inconsistent job of picking friends, colleagues and collaborators over the years. I've made a lot of great friends. I've done a lot of cool things. And I've got a past filled with long-term friends and collaborators, and those who did not make the cut. I want to cultivate more of those long-term friends. Friends who stick with you through the disagreements and bumps. Friends who put their own perspective aside. Friends who align with my vision, values, morals; and those that strategically oppose mine. Friends that challenge and engage. Friends I can grow and nurture.

The Stretch: Essays on the Future

Do I dare to expose a dear stretch goal on this open blog? Oh, why not. One of my stretch goals is to write an essay each quarter on some topic that vaguely has to do with the future. I do not see these essays as predictions, but rather topics that have been knocking around in my mind. There is a high probability that one or several of these essays may include wildcards and black swans.

And that, my readers, is a taste of what I'm shooting for 2010. Unlike other years, I am not publishing my full list. I have a few projects on it that shall remain secret until it is time for their unrevealing.

So, how about you, what are your mindsets, specific, vague and stretch goals for 2010?

Container Gardening

This spring and summer I started my first experiments in container gardening. I had ambitious plans, I wanted a vertical wall of edible greenery and containers brimming with deliciousness. Well, it didn't work out exactly the way I envisioned it, but I still had a good time.

The Good

1. Fruit Trees: I bought two somewhat mature trees: an avocado and a meyer lemon. After the summer, the lemon is doing really great with lots of fat green lemons ready for a winter harvest. The avocado tree is doing less well. I believe it got too hot and it's leaves turned brown and started dropping. I started giving it more water, then moved it to partial shade and then full shade/dappled sunlight. It seems to be doing better, but no fruit. I'll focus on this a bit more next season.

2. Strawberry Pot: My aunt gave me a couple of her old strawberry pots and I stuffed them full of strawberry plants. These have done really well. At first they produced good fruit, but then slowed down. Although there are 8 plants in the pot, I never got enough strawberries at any one time to eat a bowl of them. I'll add another couple strawberry pots next round.

3. Herbs: I put together several mixed herb pots in large containers. These are doing significantly better than herbs in their own pots. I did a massive culling at the end of summer and dried my own herbs and actually use them in my cooking. I mixed herbs with other flowers in some pots. For some reason, the large containers with various plants seem to do the best. Maybe because it takes more time to dry out.

I've always wanted to grow mint, but as easy as everyone tells me it is, I have not had good luck. Mine always seems to dry out - I guess it's too hot. I've got a new mint pot going with two types of mint. I hope it flourishes. I originally planted a lot of herbs with my avocado tree, but as it was not doing so well, I moved these to other pots. The next time I do more gardening, I will clear out the additional herbs. Here's a list of some of my pots.

• Herb Pot 1: Variegated Sage, Rosemary, Thyme, Oregano
• Herb Pot 2: Basil (about 6 plants)
• Herb Pot 3: Variegated Sage
• Herb Pot 4: Mint (2 varieties)
• Mixed Pot: Regular Sage, Lambs Ear, Potato Flower
• Mixed Pot: Avocado Tree, Parsley, Lemon Balm, other plants

4. The Rose: I am not usually a fan of rosebushes, but I have a few favorites. I found one of them - a dusty purple rose with an amazing fragrance in Alice in Wonderland rose bush formation (you know with the long stem and the bunch of roses on the top.) This did great for several months after I got it and I have watched it go through growing the stems, flowers, death and then silent for a while. We're in a silent period right now and I'd love to learn how to make it produce more and more often. I want to move my parsley into the base of this pot because I heard it is supposed to make the blooms smell more intensely.

The Bad

1. Tomatoes: I have only recently become a tomato fan and my past experiments with growing tomatoes have not been that great. The biggest problem: my tomatoes always seem to attract aphids. This year, I was doing fine - I had some nice tomato starter plants from my aunt. I filled up 20 gallon pots with dirt and was planning to grown them in those.

They started out pretty good for the most part - and then one plant started turning brown. It took me too long to realize what was going on and by then several other of my plants were infested. I tried natural remedies for a bit (that listerine, dish soap, water mix) with no luck and then went straight to the pesticides - which worked, but did not kill everything. I eventually gave up on the tomatoes and threw them all out. The few tomatoes I did get, were not edible anyway. Better luck next time....

2. The Sun: One of the good things about container gardening, is that you can move the pots around depending on the time of year and location of the sun. I have a large back area poured with concrete between several buildings, so I get inconsistent light (both direct and indirect). And it really changes depending on the time of the year.

This summer was really hot - and even though I moved the pots to shady areas, they still suffered. In the hottest weather I would water every day - sometimes twice a day - and I still lost plants. I wanted to set up a drip irrigation system, but it seemed too difficult - especially in my rental. It only made me dream for the day when I have my own bit of earth.

The Ugly

1. Pests: I had completely forgotten about pests and they really got away with literal murder on my container garden. Aphids were my bane - not only on the tomatoes, but they decimated two hanging pots of flowers. Then I had this ninja pest that would eat holes in my sage, basil and other plants. At first I thought I had snails and went on the hunt - but there were no snail trail tell-tales. One morning while watering my garden a huge grasshopper jumped out of my ferns. It was bigger than my index finger. I knew he was the culprit. I chased him down the driveway and into the street and things got much better.

2. Too Much: I was very excited to get started on the container gardening so I went overboard and got a lot of plants. It didn't help much that my aunt (who is very into gardening too) took me out to the growers and we got tiny plants direct from the wholesalers for tiny amounts of money. I got home and went on a marathon potting session, but still barely made a dent in my many plants. Eventually many of them died. I felt bad about that because I hate seeing things die - especially plants that if I was a better tender (or planner) would not have. (Well, they were also slated for the mulcher back at the wholesaler, so I guess in some way I rescued them.)

All in all, I am ok with my container gardening experiment this summer. My main reason for beginning on this was to grow some food to eat - I failed in that. I do plan to try again. I'd really like to do potatoes, carrots, garlic, onions, tomatoes, red pepper, green beans, cucember and greens (lettaces, spinach and chard). I'll pick a few of those to try for the winter.

But really, I dream of this little bit of earth - maybe it's a backyard in LA, maybe it's a small acreage just outside of LA, where I can have chickens, a few goats and a garden with fruit and nut trees. And a lilac bush or two. That's what I really want.

Winners!

Big thank you to Dominik, Sam, Kelly and our weekend welder Dave - the Junkyard Dogs Racing Team - who put hours of long effort to make the "Mad Max" car the Judges Choice at our first 24 Hours of Lemons.

I felt like of the runt of the pack - trying to help and stay out of the way. Sitting back and letting others make decisions. It wasn't my car. I hadn't put in the long hours welding the cage (although I did work on the car - it was mostly the guys). I was just excited to have my own racing suit and (third) helmet. (Apparently my motorcycle helmets can not be used for car racing.) I was nervous and anxious before the race. It would be a few hours before my turn behind the wheel. So I decided to sit down and chill out. My time to cram into the 5 point harness, neck brack and helmet would come.

And then it did. I was strapped in. Driving through the paddock to the hot pits. One final check and I was on the track. One thought barely flitted in my mind - that maybe I was scared - but like the bulldozer on the minivan Sunday afternoon - that thought was gone as I braked for my first turn and put the wheels to squealing.

I felt the tactile nubs on the steering wheel. My right foot went from accelerator to brake. My eyes analyzed the track, my brain calculating the curves, bank and how and where to enter them. I didn't notice the pressure from centrifugal force moving me to this side and that. I heard the rev and popping of engines. I smelled burned oil, brakes and fuel. I was calm, relaxed and one with the car.

I pushed it through the turns gaining what little speed I could. I swung the back end with a not always small fishtail (that more than once turned into a 180). I watched how the more expert racers (who were driving almost twice my speed) set themselves up for the curves and hills - and I tried to stay out of the way when the pack descended upon me passing on all sides through the straightways or the curves. I wasn't phased by them. I just wish I had someone to race with. I didn't pass one car the entire time. It seems we forgot to bring a racecar to the race. :)

Nevertheless, I've lost my racing virginity and gotten bitten by the bug. I foresee many cars and tracks in my future.

Heart's Desire for the Holiday

Three years ago I wrote out six steps on how to get your heart's desire on this little blog. Since then, I've taught several classes on it and gotten various emails from people who have changed their lives.

I've been updating and revising the text in preparation for publishing the second edition of it - just in time for the holiday giving season. (First edition was a couple years ago and very small.)

It's going to be about $10 for a soft cover book with simple and detailed instructions and exercises on how to get your heart's desire. It should be ready in a couple weeks!

But I just wanted to give all my bloggy readers a heads up. :)

Mugwort Dreams

So somewhere long ago I read that Mugwort gives you strange dreams if you drink it. The other night I was wanting some tea with my K.J. Bishop's Etched City Dream and I dragged out a tin of Mugwort tea. I thought, well, now is as good as any to try it out.

(I used to do a fair amount of experimenting with natural remedies and herbs (not what you think!). In fact, I used to make lots of disgusting tinctures that were quite potent. I would take a brown bottle with me to parties and dare people to take shots of dirty sock tasting liquid with me. They would always get a relaxing surprise. Valerian and Kava were my favorites to bring around.)

So anyway, back to the tea. I brewed up a cup, added a slug of Agave nectar to sweeten it up (although it was quite delightful with spearmint, skullcap and chamomile in the mix) and sipped away into the night. I went to bed and was a bit disappointed in the morning.

The next evening however more than made up for it. I can not explain the strangeness of the dreams - they would not make sense to you anyway, dear reader. Vivid and intense like this real daily world. I've never woken up myself silently screaming from asphyxiation. I guess I really do feel that passionately about that.

Anyway it was cool. I'm going to continue drinking it and seeing where my night adventures take me. I think I'll brew a cup now.

Dream come true, new dreams

Sam was driving us back from the Reptile Breeders Meeting today. We were in my convertible, the top was down, it was about 85 degrees, I had the A/C on. The new Orb album was revering bass in my seat. And it hit me - this is my dream - one of them at least.

When I was a college student in Cedar Falls, Iowa - home to -50+ below windchill weeks in the winter, I dreamed of having a Saab. It seemed so far out of reach for me. When I lived in Berkeley and needed a new car, I bought a practical Camry. I still dreamed of my fancy car. One company founder had a dark green saab convertible and I drooled over his car. Loved it. Loved it.

When I moved to LA, I decided I needed to have a convertible - because I was in LA now, right?! ;) I had forgotten my Saab dreams and loves until, like a veil I remembered. I made it happen. And now, every day, I drive around in my dream.

It's been four  years. I had forgotten gratitude. I had forgotten that this dream did not always exist. That I worked hard for it to come true. And here I was, being driven on the 5, in Southern California at sunset, top down, wind blowing, my favorite music playing on my stereo system. I was living my dream.

--
Somewhere in the past 6 months or so, my dreams changed. I've gotten caught up in day to day drama - work and relationship - and have forgotten about the big stuff. I remembered this watching Southland Tales. There's an undercurrent about manifesting in life the things that were scripted. That's dreaming and stalking for you. Anyway, it reminded me that I used to do a lot of this. A lot of being in control of my reality, pro-actively creating my life. More recently I've been caught up in winds I don't control - nor can control myself in them.

It's very discombublating.

However, now that I have realized this, I can get back to living life the way I like to. Pro-actively. Focused on an end-goal, that I don't necessarily know exactly how I'm getting there. After, the journey is the destination, and once I know where I am going, getting there is the fun.

Reaching into the Tornado

This is to remind myself of the beckoning hand. From my vantage point in the lounge - the outstretched hand and arm was all I could see of the hidden statue. Through hours of conversation I would look through the door and chuckle to myself at the hand. It reminded me of when I would reach into the tornado. I wish I had taken a photo of it - but I have the photo in my mind.

Posing with murals

Posing with murals
Originally uploaded by heathervescent.

Chuckles pulled this gorgeous green sequined chiffon dress out of her trunk and it fit me, so I of course had to wear it to the opera house. I'm posing with some of the murals from the Amargosa opera house in Death Valley Junction.

1300 mile highlights

Eight hundred miles in the past three days. (A total of 1300 in the past week.) Three states. Many states of mind. Much stimulation of the brain. Meeting new people. Getting to know acquaintances better. There are not enough words in my exhausted brain to even begin describing all that transpired the past seven days. I returned to Los Angeles a few hours ago - a car full of packages and a bit more worn for the wear. Both my fog lights were blown out Friday night after hitting a raccoon just outside of Sedona and a rabbit about 30 minutes south of the Hoover Dam.

I will try to pull out some snippets from my memory.

Most recently I returned from Death Valley this afternoon after a sleepless night filled with stars and conversations. A friend brought up two concepts I realized during our conversing I don't really know or use: Mercy and Happiness. I am not motivated to live my life with Happiness in mind. I have other emotions that motivate me. And about Mercy, well, it never even occurred to me. I don't think I even know what Mercy is. I generally wield the ax of justice and it definitely severs relationships. So this concept of pondering mercy and how to be more merciful, is intriguing and something I will meditate on - and perhaps practice.

Hiking at dusk in Sedona. I wanted to go to a magical place and instead the trail I chose went along an Indian resort. I was irritated and frustrated. It was getting dark, and it was not my idea at all to drive 5 hours to Sedona only to be surrounded by the sounds of cars and air conditioning and civilization when I was supposed to be in a magical place. I guess the Indians need to make a living too.

When I stopped to catch my breath on the trail at the twisted juniper right where the sign was posted "You are on camera, so don't jump the fence you stinky hikers" complete with industrial lights destroying the natural darkness. I spied a ledge - right in the middle of the light. I had a flash of inspiration and went straight to the spot - straight in the middle of the spotlight under the surveillance cameras and proceeded to meditate upon being in the spotlight. And so, instead of fighting my self about NOT being in the spotlight because that's not where I thought I wanted to be, I understood why I need to be in the spotlight because that is really where I must be. Inner conflict resolved.

I can't even begin to express how much the conference I attended in Tucson effected me. Over the next few days I'll try to write up some notes. I attended the conference to learn more about what science is doing around the study of understanding and explaining consciousness and the human brain. I left with the beginnings of a new language and awe for ourselves and awe for science. I plan to explore my interest in this subject more and more in the coming years.

I love driving in the desert at night. I put the top down and looked at the stars, felt the wind in my face as I drove back from the official conference dinner Thursday night at the Desert Museum. I put on Orbital Blue Album and took in the wind, driving fast and taking the curves. I am happiest at the wheel of my car, alone on a dark two lane twisty highway. My car is an extension of my body - I feel the vibrations of my tires on the road through my stick and wheel. I listen to the motor as I increase RPMs and slow down, shifting accordingly for speed or coast.

I wondered, why does this make me so happy? To be alone, a bullet speeding along. But then I stop thinking and enjoy the ride. This is truly something I love.

I felt the same way when I came upon the Hoover dam past midnight. I had spent hours driving through Arizona. Napoleon Hill was speaking to me in those midnight hours (and when the rabbit met her death under my wheel). I passed through the check point and then was upon the dam. A huge bright lit construction was being built above me. I was in awe at modern engineering. I slowed and looked at the new bridge. It was beautiful and massive.

A moment later I crested a hill and a city of twinkling lights unfolded below me. It was beautiful. And for once in my life I saw the beauty of Las Vegas. I found my way to the Strip and a posh hotel filled with friends. A strong difference of my last days in the desert.

There are many more stories to write. Many more things I want to share with you - my anonymous readers. But tonight I sleep. For tomorrow another adventure begins and I must tend to my dreams.

Checkmark Carkill: Another dream come true

• 20 hours in the car +
• A private ranch outside of Reno +
• Practicing my stunt car moves on a dry lake bed +
• Enough guns and ammo for a Hollywood blockbuster +
• 5 cars with death written all over them +
• The usual assortment of fire accelerators =
• A dream come true.

Hawt! An n9593 on Ice

Andrew Maskin put an n93 on ice for the NYC mobile barcamp.

If you missed the MobileBarcampLA, check out the recap here. There's also a google group you can join. My favorite items were:

• One World. No Borders. 3 Billion Connected People. Claim Your Piece. - David Harper
  Dave Harper, CEO of Winksite, a suite of tools to immediately create and support mobile communities, gave an hour-long session sharing his experience on what it takes to scale mobile applications to 189+ countries and over 5 million hits per month. After providing tips and tricks on mobile advertising and mobile SEO, Dave showed and explained QR Codes and their real-world applications using a plethora of examples. People got really excited about this and again, ideas were bounced back and forth and were discussed far beyond the session.

• halfbaked.com - Entrepreneurial Improv - Alexis Rondeau
  Each team selected 2 random words and got 20 minutes to come up with - and pitch - the next mobile killer application! Besides having the very nice side-effect of making people play and interact, the resulting mobile startup ideas ranged from outrageous ("Zombie Hook-up") to VC-fundable ("Car Watch"). After every team presented their startups' product, revenue model, marketing plan, tagline and logo the most promising one was selected. The winning team was completely speechless when we gave each of them either an N95 or an N800. The unpacking of the boxes ensued immediately and everyone was flocking around the devices. In total we gave away 10 devices in this session (including the very cool panel of judges).

• MegaPhone Demo and discussion - Dan Albritton
  Dan Albritton from playmegaphone.com gave the first workshop in the morning showcasing their mobile real-time multiplayer game engine. MegaPhone is an interactive installation where any cellphone becomes a game-controller by placing a phonecall. Within 1 Minute Dan had the crowd punching their phone-keypads ("Peow-peow!P-p-p-eow!") to score and shouting into their mics ("Grabgrab! Grabgrabgrab! Grab!") to reach the Top 10 of the game. After an overview of the underlying technology and showcases, the group went into a long conversation on creating new applications of the project.
• (recap bullets written by Andy Maskin, Source)

And the In N Out Burger truck in the parking lot. And I don't even like In n Out. ;) I also enjoyed the 1-2am drive around Hollywood to Santa Monica, where we QR tagged In n Out on Sunset, saw a car go over the cliff on Mulholland, looked at the lights of the Valley and Basin from the hills and drove like a race car driver taking the freeway curves at an increasing speed utilizing centrifugal force with the top down.

Now that's a day in the life of LA.

BarcampLA4 Preso

Here's the preso I gave at BarcampLA 4. It spans online branding, blowing shit up, doing things and how to get your heart's desire. As in all things, be authentic, manage risks strategically and be safe KICK ASS.

xxx

-Heather

ps. I'm a kick-ass integrator.

 

| View | Upload your own

ps. photo credits in the preso go to Kmo and Jenna.

On Dreams, On Living

It's not about how to achieve your dreams
It's how to lead your life
If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself
the dreams will come to you.
- Randy Pausch

Wow! That is one of the most inspiring things I have heard in a long time. And, yes, I did hear it. Thanks to superviva for the pointer.

Don’t miss this Wall Street Journal article and short video in which Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor, full of happy, positive energy—yet soon to die of pancreatic cancer—delivers his “final” speech.

Achieving your dreams, or goals goes hand in hand with living my life. As I live and work to achieve these things I desire, I get to practice being the person I want to be. I get to test out new ways of being, trying new methods, giving people breaks, expecting the best from them - just as I do that for myself.

Because life is not an us vs them fight.

Nobody is doing anything to anyone, let alone to a warrior - Nyei

There are infinitely more beautiful and amazing things to focus on in this reality. Projects to do, ideas to create. There is only one person worth fighting against - and that's my old self - to change, to mold myself, into the best person I can. It's a never ending process.

I like the cars that go BOOM!

TikiFkos were playing  "Tigre and Bunny's - cars go boom" mashup and I couldn't help myself. Jenna caught my classic car-b-que activities on film. The "Heather" she is complaining to, is me. Thanks for taking one for me Jenna. xoxo, your BBF (your bad best friend)

oh yeah, and I this was one of the times I blew the door off the car-b-que. Perhaps you can imagine the effect at 3:30 in the morning. The sky lights up with a flash of boom, and then I pull a pizza out of the pizza oven (on the other side). pps. notice the unicorn hood ornament!

The Rainbow Connection

Doc took this photo of Gigsville, yes, that's a unicorn in the front row. Yes, that's a rainbow behind us. Rainbow Unicorn Camp, yay!

A Playa Love Story - A girl, a car and fire

I remember the first time I saw him. It was night on the playa four years ago. I was walking back from the bathroom and I spied his flickering flame. I thought to myself, was that really a VW bus on fire? I had stepped into my ring of fire.

Burning the Unicorns

Tonight they burn. You are invited the the 3rd Fire in the Hole competition, with the burning of the unicorns as the finale.

The spirit listens only when the speaker speaks in gestures. And gestures do not mean signs or body movements, but acts of true abandon, acts of largesse, of humor. As a gesture for the spirit, warriors bring out the best of themselves and silently offer it to the abstract.
- CC

Time will show, what will rise from the unicorn flames. This is my Offret.

Stunt Car Enlightenment

You think whipping a car around was all I learned this weekend? Oh no. I'm enlightened by clouds of burning rubber. First off, Bobby Orr is the bomb! If you have any desire to learn some serious driving skills (and I'm not talking speed racing - I'm talking moving your car around skills - then go to him.)

I actually got to work with the guy, his name was Bobby Orr, and he was a Nascar driver, he teaches a lot of stunt guys, he has like five world records for stunts," Scott said. "He also teaches the Department of Defense. He works for the Department of Defense teaching soldiers how to maneuver their cars before they go to Iraq. (Source)

We pulled into the Camarillo Airport at 7:30 Saturday morning. I'm bleary because I haven't had any coffee yet and hoping there is coffee there. We arrive to a classroom in a trailer. There is no coffee. I salvage some sparkling water from my car.

After about an hour discussion about tire pressure we're given directions to get out on the tarmac and start the hands on section. I'm the only woman in the class, other than an instructor's assistant. First things first, we each get in a car and proceed to drive the slalom course - to observe our bad habits to break! Bad habits like arms flying, palming the wheel and looking at the cones.

Over the next two days, Bobby took us 4 street drives and turned us into possible professional stunters. I say possible because you can't possible become a profession stunt driver after 2 days of learning, you must practice a lot more to be able to put a car in the box. But I learned more than the core skills of flipping a 180 or sliding into a parking space at 90 degrees or doing a reverse 180 (totally cool, squealing tires and all!). He taught/reminded me

• Look at where I want to go // lock on tractor beam eyes - don't look at the obstacles ("Don't look at the cones! Look at the horizon!" .. "Look at this cone right here. You can't put your shoulder right here at this cone if you are looking across the hood.") Something magical happened when I turned my head in the 180 - the weight transfered and the car switched directions in a cloud of burned rubber smoke and wheels screaming! Magic or Science - it worked when I turned my head!
• It's the Feeling. Relax, get the feeling. Breath. I love being behind the wheel. I am calm and relaxed, especially when pulling a 180. ;)
• Timing is everything. It's the difference between putting it in the box and not. It's the difference between pass and fail. It's the difference between a high five and a car crash. It's the difference between life and death.
• Pause before you pull the trigger (or pull the eBrake). I've written about this pause before. It's so true.
• Make the car do the work. It's got more leverage and weight than my puny arm. Don't think I can bully it around. But understand how what I put into the car, comes out and don't over manage/over steer it!
• I can take pain, I have determination. Sometimes, in my more insecure moments, I worry that when it comes to the wire, I pussy out. I was never one for finishing my homework. It's very hard for me to do things I have no desire to do (like 20 math problems). But for my dreams and passions, there is no end to the heathervescent energy and determination. This weekend reminded me of that.

Hardcore Enlightenment. I left the weekend exhausted, covered in sweat, dirt and rubber. I left knowing awesome skills. I left remembering lessons applicable to every facet of my life. I left with pain and burst blisters and a little more enlightened and the ability to kick ass in novel and exciting ways.

Thank you guru stunt driver Bobby Orr!

ps. Sorry about blowing the three tires. xo

Inspiring Friends are like Magic

In the past few days, two of my good friends have played or sung Magic by Olivia Newton John. Of course I knew the song. It was popular in the 80s, the 80s, but I hadn't heard it recently. I finally listened to the words and wow! It's an awesome inspiration and has been stuck in my head for the past 3 days. The music is easy like a Sunday morning - so easy listening! A new music mantra.

And the two people who re-introduced me to it are equally awesome and inspiring. Thanks to you both, you know who you are!

Here are the lyrics. Click to listen to free (via Napster)

Come take my hand
You should know me
I've always been in your mind
You know that I'll be kind
I'll be guiding you

Building your dream
Has to start now
There's no other road to take
You won't make a mistake
I'll be guiding you

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin' can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don't let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Your destiny will arrive
I'll bring all your dreams alive
For you

From where I stand
You are home free
The planets align so rare
There's promise in the air
And I'm guiding you

Through every turn I'll be near you
I'll come anytime you call
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll be guiding you

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin' can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don't let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Your destiny will arrive
I'll bring all your dreams alive
For you

It's a whole new game with different stakes, when you dream on a global level. Personal ego has no place when you are a tool of the divine unknown.

Delerious

This is a quick update from Frank Zappa's Camarillo (Brillo). Am I getting old or did I just spend all day driving, getting nowhere except covered in rubber. Really, black streams of rubber just washed down my body into the shower drain.

I.am.exhausted.

Like never before. Class was a.w.e.s.o.m.e. A true dream come true.

It feels so good to have dreams come true. They are not so far out of reach. And when you start tasting them - what they taste like - there is no going back. There is no more soul selling and putting off for tomorrow. There is only the present. Living.

Black pavement. Airplanes overhead. Sun blinding your eyes (because doh - you left your sunglasses back at the hotel). Blowing tires, burning rubber. I was the first to knock down a cone (I gave myself permission to knock down cones because I wanted to do the course faster and tighter. And I did. And then I didn't knock any cones down.) I blew a tire practicing ebraking (pre-180 slides or were they sliding 90s?). My eyes hurt like never before. I have blisters on my hands, thumbs from practicing the shuffle and pulling up on the ebrake.

It took me 20 tried to do my first slide. I practiced Zen Mind - even when berated and taunted. As I increased speed, my calmness stood, although my hands were flying. I kept hearing the voice of my yoga teacher who says "palmy hands up" saying "no palmy hands" as I kept them below the center line.

I am learning (remembering) more than skills, the importance of tires. I am remembering to look to the horizon, to pause before pulling the trigger. Timing. The feel of the cars, the road, the manuevars. I am remembering to live with a wide smile across my face.

Stunt Driver Weekend!

Well, this week has been extremely busy, exciting, filled with lots of yumminess... so much so, that I have forgotten to mention (well this week at least) that tomorrow I AM GOING TO STUNT CAR SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am? I have been planning, dreaming of this weekend for 5 years. Five years! FIVE YEARS!!!

Will the weekend live up to my anticipation? I sure hope so. Maybe this is the beginning of a career in moovies. Or as a member of a secret subversive society. I'll be sure to share my feelings over the weekend. Squeeling tires and spinning wheels - here I come!

Night Inspiration

I woke up this morning with the story of the Pied Piper at the front of my consciousness. And a question for me to ponder about leaders and followers. I wish I could remember my favorite book of 14 and 15 - it was something about individuals in society and actions change in mass society or mass gatherings. Individuals and groups. Leaders and followers. Long ago, I knew which I was. How to harness the energy of the mass to a direction. Post-modern advertising will be viewed as crude work in retrospect.

Unicorn Update

Unicorn Reality!

Sonhando

I like this video I came across on YT. It reminds me of the final scene in the Sargasso Manuscript.

I like this one too. Although to get the full joke, you should know portuguese!

Declare Independence

For the past two days I have had Bjork in my head. C put it there and it won't get out. But that's ok, because it's the theme song for today: Declare Independence.

And in a few moments I will pack up MsVescent, put the top down and we will drive away from this land of red rocks. It's my Independence Day Drive through the desert!

I'm excited because I'm taking a northern route and swinging through Nevada. I may hit up Death Valley and most definitely the Mojave National Preserve. It's too bad I'm not in an offroad vehicle, because the backcountry roads I know and love best are gonna be right off the pavement. Another time.

Princess Monoke meets Jorge Borges

Last night my dreams were filled with Newton and Borges. Steven Hawkins and strippers. Cinderblock airports with circle discussion baggage collection. I was distracted and transfixed by a hermaphrodite's smooth, but didn't realize she was one until I awoke. The surveillance cameras projected dancing 2D cyclops cat/dog hunter/seekers on the walls while a Kurtzweilian female voice explained what they were doing. I was looking for my luggage in a city that exists in this mutual reality, but had rare similarities in my dream. I was excited and looked all around for them but they came in glimpses of architecture and stone faces.

Dreams are not strangers to me. The one I awoke from this morning was not more detailed or fantastic than many others. But when I have a dream like that, my day is different. I feel the weight of the story, the travels, the adventures. I remember the 2D projections on the walls. (I saw them twice, I often dream parts of the same dream several times each night. It's a technique I use to stalk my dreams to remember them.) I felt so real when I saw them. The feeling burns in my body. And it's this feeling that stays with me during the day. The unreal bodily feeling, making my body feel unreal. 

Smashing Success

At 10pm last night I was sitting at my kitchen table calmly reading a magazine. In two hours I would be on stage with 4 hot men in tuxes and a gorgeous pink draped Madonna. I was calm. Almost too calm. I had my costume complete, all the guys had showed up for rehearsal and it went great. Susanna was looking gorgeous in pink - as usual. Why did I need to fret? I didn't.

At the club we took over the backstage area and it was covered with tux jackets, rhinestones, glitter and jelly bracelets. Then it was time to hit the stage. Three minutes goes fast when the lights are blasting on you. All I could see was a crowd of people. Faces in the front row. But I heard the reaction. This is why I do this. It's not to be on stage. It's not to get the applause. It's to hear the synapses .

It's shifting what they know. That's what a mashup is all about. You've got two or more known songs. They mean something, because of their timing, your personal reasons, the lyrics. When songs are mashed up, they make a new meaning. The story is retold. The story becomes something else. The known is opened to the unknown. And I try to do this in my mashup shows.

The crowd loved each of the mouseketeers. Who wouldn't Handsome guys, dressed in black tuxes and bow ties, the adorable mickey mouse ears hat on their head? The crowd went wild from the beginning. Then Susanna came onstage, in her gorgeous pink dress. A couture material girl. She moved from one to another, each begging, giving her gifts, rings, jewels. Then I came bouncing on stage, spazzing out Toni Basil style. I had the totally 80's style right down to the lacy socks and jelly bracelets. I could see the crowd having fun, and this is why I do it. But then, right on cue, Elliot came in, at the Quiot Riot break. This was the turning point. This is when I heard the synapses move to a new place. That move, is why I did the show.

Thank you to everyone who came out last night and caught the show. Thanks to Tawny for being in charge of hair and video. Thanks to all the great guys - Nathanial, Steven, T-Bone, Sam, Elliot. Thanks to Susanna for kicking ass on the costumes and looking fabulous. Undying thanks to A+D, not only do you throw a kick ass club, in addition to making Don't Stop Believing into mashup and giving us a warm return to the stage.

And Heather, I thank you most of all. For continuing to have novel, creative ideas, for finding amazing collaborators, for never stop believing, and for aiming as far and high as you can possibly imagine. Oh yeah, and executing on those ideas. This show was another knot, another data point on the line that is your life. And a fun one at that.

Birthday photos

Here are a couple pictures from my Naked Sushi Party, celebrating the 33rd year of Heather. It was a lot of fun. Thanks everyone! All photos by Kmo. More photos available on request.

Let there be Light!

I can't help it. I'm a moth to a flame. I am in love with the earth and it's bare elements. I was going to write that Fire is my favorite, but it's not. I love the ocean, the wind and getting the earth in every pore. However fire brings out something wild in me. It is a drug and brings me - takes me - to another place. A place where I feel the need to build up the fire and then release it. Sometimes that comes by mere tending the fire, coaxing flames from hot coals. Other times it's dumping pallet upon pallet into an already roasting flame. More often than naught, it includes exploding certain flammables. If you ever hear me yell, "Fire in the Hole" you will want to get away from the fire as fast as possible. Recently I've been branching out to other metals that burn bright. A friend recently presented me with at 2 ft brick of magnesium.

This past weekend, out in the desert with about 50 of my best friends, I put that brick into a hot fire. About 30 to 45 minutes later, we saw green pools of light (through the welding glasses). 15 minutes later, the fire was ablaze. The photographs that were subsequently taken did not need a flash.

Then someone had the great idea to pour water on the fire. So we started making water balloons. Someone handed me a water bottle and an idea flashed into my fire soaked brain. I remembered how fire spitters blow fuel out of their mouth to create flames. I have always wanted to do that, but have yet to learn.  But here I was, water bottle in hand, with the primary objective of putting water on the magnesium! What better way to spray the fire?

Photo by Ranger Rugburn. Note the people shielding their faces in the background. And yes, I am wearing a white ball gown. And no, no flash was used to take this photo. Thanks to Jetfuel for the, well, fuel.

ps. Mom, don't worry, I didn't get burned. But I do kind of feel like G-d now. ;)

pps. ha ha Rob Brezsny!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Lightning strikes somewhere on the earth
6,000 times every minute. A single bolt may carry a million volts and
reach a temperature of 50,000 degrees Fahrenheit. If this elemental force
could be tamed and utilized, it would provide enough energy to raise a
cruise ship six feet in the air. While you won't be able to literally harness a
lightning bolt in the coming week, Aquarius, you could accomplish the
metaphorical equivalent. At least temporarily, you have an uncanny talent
for mobilizing tremendous power that's normally too hot to handle.
Halloween costume suggestion: a relaxed, smiling lightning bolt.

Neural Net

I left the party and hiked up a wide wash to the base of a small mountain. At the furthermost tip a pile of crumbling rock surveys the view. I rest here, like a hawk, the west wind screaming down my chest. I feel it pierce every fiber. The sun is hot, the wind wild, but I am not cold.

Directly in front of me is our motley camp. A collection of vehicles, tents, shade structures and fire-making devices. It is a tiny speck on the edge of the dry lake. Ominous rocky mountains surround, secure and hide the place, the huge space. Scrub grows in the wide washes, until nothing grows demarking the edge of the lake. Off-white smooth flat for miles.

I find a wide crack between the rocks. There is both sun and shade. Cool rock and hot stone. I set down my pack and lean back, face the wind and look out onto the landscape.

I love the desert. Its rough mountains raising out of rocky washes. I love the angle landscape and the tricks it plays with my mind. Twisting my perception into another reality - a new possibility. The wind has silenced me and yet caresses my body. I am a small being in a vast desert. A pair of eyes looking out from a crack in the rock.

My mind wanders as I turn my view east. The mountains open onto a vast plain that is not playa. Do not make the mistake and think it is level. The desert is full of anglepoise plains that do nothing but twist your perception upside down. I see myself as a tiny self-contained being, wedged between rocks. Similar to this neural net Mez writes about. I've just finished reading Hyperion again, so Brawne's story is fresh in my mind. And the possibilities of enhanced brains with tiny nanotechnology nets that settle in our brainspaces. Kind of like my nestle between these two rocks.

.
.
.
.
.

There are no words for the ideas that pour out of the silence of the desert. Only the audacity to make them real in some future reality.

Dreams

I know this ad is for a pharmaceutical company, but beyond that, I echo the sentiment. Have you abandoned your dreams? Do you know what they are? Are you living them? Why not? (And why hasn't a pharmaceutical company created a drug to stop being afraid of living your life and start risking it to live the life you dream of?)

Hollaback Thriller

If you missed the midnight show this weekend, don't worry, we have it on video. Do you dare to watch zombie cheerleaders, dancing zombie bananas and a lead singer called Gwenchael Jackfani dance to one of my favorite mashed songs Hollaback Thriller Girl by DJ Schmolli?

Well, just hit play. Yes, another heathervescent dream come true. Thanks to everyone who was part of it!

 

oh, if you missed it, we're planning some reprises - first one at LA Decom this weekend, and later this month at a club in Hollywood. Details will be coming!

Rockets!!!!

I just made the biggest score of the year! Last night on my way home from LAX I stopped by a friend's house and picked up his 16+ year old rocket collection! Yes, home made rockets, blast engines, wadding, launch pads and more. So much information and history. I felt like I had been given an amazing treasure chest.

And it's perfect timing too. One of my "goals" on my project list has been "get back into rockets". Now I have no excuse and everything I need to blast-off!

The World I Want

I want to buy an extremely expensive piece of jewelry. A piece that costs as much as a nice mid-size car. I've had this goal for several years. I don't expect to do it anytime soon, but I like to think about it time to time. I envision going to a jeweler and picking out stones for a custom creation. I imagine getting it in a red velvet box. I envision wearing it as an everyday piece or perhaps offroading in my custom $25,000 necklace.

But I don't want to wait. I want to experience this now.

So I decided to surprise myself. Exploring Boston I ran into my favorite jewelery store. I had forgotten about it. (I hadn't been to Boston in 6+ years.) I found some pieces I really loved. But I couldn't come up with a good reason to get them. So I left them in their glass cases.

I couldn't stop thinking about them and how much I liked them. The next day, we found ourselves near the store again. It was pouring rain as we ran across the brick. I again stared at the rubber and steel creations, wondering how I could convince myself to buy them. I racked my brain and then an idea popped into it. A job well done, deserves a celebration. I would have something to celebrate in a couple weeks. 

I picked out a necklace, a bracelet and a ring. I had them wrapped in gold boxes. And when I returned to Los Angeles last night, I put them in the back of my closet. They'll stay there until the time comes to open them. And when that happens, I'll remove them from their gold boxes, I'll put them on my body and enjoy them; celebrating my job well done. My $25,000 jewels can wait.

Ragu

Since Gloria has been gone, I haven't been eating that much pasta. It's not that we eat a lot of pasta anyway, but usually Gloria is the one who wants pasta and makes some amazing authentic Italian sauce. I was poking around in the kitchen last night, trying to decide what to cook and realize it had been months (well since I moved in with Sam in January) since I had Ragu.

Ragu, I have come to learned, is a meat sauce. Gloria makes hers with ground beef, bacon or cubed prosciutto, spices, maybe a chili and tomato sauce. It's often tossed with penne or fuscilli or bowtie pasta. So last night, I pulled out the meat, put a pot of water on to boil, got out some sauce and fished the penne out of the cabinet and proceeded to make my own ragu. Moki took great interest (he always gets some Ragu - that fabulously spoiled doggie!) and stood by my side in the kitchen. Finally I drained the pasta, put it in the big green bowl and poured my ragu on it.

All the while I was making the ragu, I kept thinking about the stories Gloria told me about her grandmother - Nonna Tesoro. About her cook books, about the stories of visiting her. You, dear readers, have a treat, because when I opened up Gloria's blog today, she wrote all about Nonna Tesoro! I was thinking about many of these same stories last night as the ragu bubbled away. I was missing Gloria and our conversations. Cooking with and for each other. I miss the breaks in the day, walking Moki around the neighborhood and our discussions about our various projects.

I started feeling all nostalgic for Gloria and Nonna Tesoro. I never met her, but I feel something. I think Gloria feels some what of the same for my Grandmother - Grammy Grace - who died last year. Most of the furniture in our house, including the plates we eat off of, the glasses we drink out of and the silver ware - actually silver plated silverware were hers. We both refer to Grammy Grace as Grammy - as if she is both of our Grandmothers - and why not? If Grammy Grace had known Gloria, she would have liked her - and I'm sure would have shared some of her crazy traveling stories.

All these things are percolating around in my head and I'm in the kitchen. I pull down one of grammy's beautiful blown glass wine glasses - it's holds barely a drop of wine - and look for some wine. I fill the glass, take the bowl of tossed penne with ragu and sit down to eat. I raise the glass and make a toast - to Grandma Tesoro (and Grammy Grace). As I devour my ragu and pasta, Moki is licking his chops too - he's just finished his dinner - doggie kibble tossed with ragu.

We all try to eat well in the future!

In the trench

It's been days and day of hand to hand combat in the trenches. My life often alternates from an eagle eye view of the landscape to bushwhacking through the underbrush. Last week I blasted, completed a couple big projects of 2006: party, tagging, a new game. Boom - right out the door of 2006 with three big shots hitting dead on.

This week has been scatter-shot. The plans, projects I planned are getting pushed back, taking longer. My feet drag through the quagmire of moving back to the future, continuing to take care of Moki and his three walks a day and keeping my own projects and dreams on track.

It's slow going. Where's the inspiration? I asked myself that today when I returned to the future with the first of many loads of stuff. I'm happy to be back. I love my house, the statues in the front yard. I enjoyed living in West Hollywood and loved my office there. It was also great to "practice" living with Sam without the full commitment. But I missed the magic in my house. I missed the solo time to myself. The space to think crazy thoughts. The space to get hyped up and drive the dark city alone with the top down, music blasting me through the city. When you have someone you love in the bed next to you, it's hard to coax yourself out in the morning.

So what's next?

Maybe when I whack through this bush, I'll be able to see.

Every day in LA has a Vanilla Sky

Reality is stranger than fiction. Sometimes I feel like my life is a picture on a screen. A song. A dream come true, but whose dream? Mine? The world distorts. Twists. Possibilities extrapolate everywhere and syncronicities occur like daily breath. Do I take responsibility of creating this life? I must. I have. I am in awe at the world. At the wind in the air. The palm tree lined streets. The feeling of my clutch stick in my leather gloves. The french silk sky with ribbons of pink carmel.

My mind segues impeccably into the human electronic evolutional ideas that have been percolating in my mind the past week. Ghost in the shell, Hyperion type implants, interweb connectivity, matrix-type ability to learn things instantly, major body and DNA modifications, time travel, jaunting. These ideas have excited me like no other in a long time. I see science working through these challenges and the fruit and evolution of the fruit twisting back on us and available to us biologically.

It's as if the eternity mobius strip is speaking back to us of future possibilities. Is evolution and self-actualization actually the same? In both, there is no stepping back. There is no return to ignorance. There is no return to what you were. There is only push on ahead. Clasping the next ring.

And remembering to stay grounded, while watching the rocket trails in the vanilla sky.

Dream night

I'm totally going to sleep here. Who want's to go on the next world party to Sweden? Lars - bust out your bodyguard outfit and plan to be my translator. Now I definately have a goal for 2006. So much for India!

dreams of power

All night I slept entwined in my dreams. A companion I cannot remember. Driving through a city not unlike Los Angeles and a sports team called Power. The clues dropping in front of me like a video game, stop ahead signs written on the pavement. I'm flying. Swooping in the lines in the air. Catching them. Swinging like a spider or chelidon.

Life is getting more complicated, intertwined, twisted up with possibilities and it is simple at the same time. Choose, be, watch, act. Each step opens and closes doors. Each step is a moment of beginnings, endings, middles. Each step has possibilities. My role/job is to live a possibility, at every possible moment. The possibility is up to me.

Note to self: For some people, seeing objects in the shop is enough to know that they exist, without the necessity of acquiring them. For me, seeing possible futures extrapolated various time lines is enough. I don't necessarily have to live them. I've seen them. And there are so many possibilities.

on faith and freedom and hope

July 4th. The day the United States celebrates freedom. Freedom from what? An opressive British Empire. I could diatribe how the citizen in today's United States is not much different from the colonist of that time, but I prefer to talk about Faith. And hope.

Remember the story of Pandora's box? Here's the key part (from linked site)

Now, Jupiter had malignantly crammed into this box all the diseases, sorrows, vices, and crimes that afflict poor humanity; and the box was no sooner opened, than all these ills flew out, in the guise of horrid little brown-winged creatures, closely resembling moths. These little insects fluttered about, alighting, some upon Epimetheus, who had just entered, and some upon Pandora, pricking and stinging them most unmercifully. They then flew out through the open door and windows, and fastened upon the merrymakers without, whose shouts of joy were soon changed into wails of pain and anguish.

Epimetheus and Pandora had never before experienced the faintest sensation of pain or anger; but, as soon as these winged evil spirits had stung them, they began to weep, and, alas ! quarrelled for the first time in their lives. Epimetheus reproached his wife in bitterest terms for her thoughtless action; but in the very midst of his vituperation he suddenly heard a sweet little voice entreat for freedom. The sound proceeded from the unfortunate box, whose cover Pandora had dropped again, in the first moment of her surprise and pain. " Open, open, and I will heal your wounds! Please let me out! " it pleaded.

The tearful couple viewed each other inquiringly, and listened again. Once more they heard the same pitiful accents; and Epimetheus bade his wife open the box and set the speaker free, adding very amiably, that she had already done so much harm by her ill-fated curiosity, that it would be difficult to add materially to its evil consequences, and that, perchance, the box contained some good spirit, whose ministrations might prove beneficial.

It was well for Pandora that she opened the box a second time, for the gods, with a sudden impulse of compassion, had concealed among the evil spirits one kindly creature, Hope, whose mission was to heal the wounds inflicted by her fellow prisoners.

I actually think Hope is the worst evil let out of Pandora's box. It an emotion that paralizes action. It's an emotion that maintains the vision in the mind, not to be actualized. It's not action-inducing. It's passive. It's a panacea that heals and paralizes at the same moment. A horrible addictive emotion with little substance.

With Faith, one acts. One knows. One sees. There is no need to hope.

Hoping is wishing that something is going to happen. Faith is the knowledge that it will come true. There's a catch with Faith... it is more likely to come true if it is the truth and you have defined it. It doesn't matter if it is an ultimate truth (don't start out with such a lofty goal) but as long as it is true for you.

There's another part to Faith. It  has substance - you can feel it, connect with it, speak to it, listen to it. It pulls and pushes. It's a force - but it's not god (at least as I define it). It ebbs and flows.

new dreams, new focus

On my flight back from NYC I've been able to crystallize my next set of dreams. It's a new set of mountains to explore, if you could call it a mountain. It's a new set of challenges to overcome, if it mattered if they were overcome. Really, what it is, is living, fully, experience by experience not willy-nilly but with something in mind. There's a reason there was traffic on the way to LAX Friday. It came in the form of "coincidence" in the security line. Yet another grape from the vine of the universe.

However, I have stopped believing in coincidences.  Coincidence is manifested fits and starts of a human ability. I see coincidence as an inconsistent precursor to the ability to successfully dream your life. By dream your life I mean your ability to identify, define, manifest and live your life as you desire and imagine it. Full cycle from initial kernel in the mind to realization. Coincidence is a boon from the universe, it's not accidental, it is completely and utterly planned, even by you, even as it is spontaneous and unknown - that's the paradox of coincidence. It's the universe giving you what you need, require, to manifest your dream in reality. Or maybe it's not so tied to manifesting your dream, because maybe you haven't been specific. Maybe it just happens to be the monkey on the typewriter of your life adding a little randomness. Regardless I have stopped believing in coincidence and continued to dream my life. Maybe you'll join me and share how it goes.

a note to terrascope readers

You have compassion for Clint. He is your friend. I have compassion for Clint. He was my best friend, lover, partner in crime and companion longer than any of you have known him. You do not know the ins and outs of our relationship. None of our friends did. Not even the closest one - Laramie.

You know only part of one side of the story. That's fine. We live not in a partisan world. Any view, by the mere fact that you are viewing is not objective. Be not so quick to judge my actions. I did nothing illegal. Just as Clint does nothing illegal by requesting 1/2 of all assets, even though he contributed 30-40% to the acquisition of them. Tell me terrascope readers, does it seem fair to combine 3 pounds with your friend's 7 pounds and when you split you each take 5 pounds? Seems like a raw deal to the one who contributed 7 pounds in the first place. (And we're not just talking money here. There mere fact that I could do what I did shows the place I held in the relationship.)

Which goes to the question of Karma. And fairness. And the laws of the nation and state in which you live.

I've asked Clint to be fair. Fair not in terms of legality, but in terms of karmic fairness, fairness to what our relationship was. Fair in unravelling the pieces. I put my faith in the universe to "make the right things happen." Yes I was angry. My anger peaked about 8 months ago. Clint chose to stick to the fairness dictated by the laws. I warned him to watch out, because karma sweeps it's tail. The wheel turns. I know this because the wheel has turned many times. I know karma coming back at me. It's not pretty, nor easy, but does provide plenty of opportunity for growth.

Judge not, lest ye be judged. Perhaps, I stand judged by you, which puts you at the mercy of your own judgments. This contributes to your world view, as you create the world you live in. You are your own Wizard of Oz. You pull your own levers. You create the dream you live called your reality. Clint created this reality.

Raise your angry fist to the heavens and wonder. Feel the victim. Self-pity. Or face up to your actions and take responsibility. The world gives you what you need for your next steps of growth.

Will you rise to the occasion of being a better person or fight your better self?