Doing the right thing.
Only makes you a better person. (which makes everyone else worse.)
Making the world better.
Makes your experience of the world worse.
Because it falls short.
Of all expectations.
It takes a lot of energy to create positive futures. It takes more energy to be positive than the negative. I'm lucky, I have a lot of energy available. I've cultivated it in myself. I know where to go to get it externally. But sometimes, all the energy in the world can't help me be positive. Like I've felt the past several weeks.
You see, there's this side to me. That few people see. That I don't let many people see. Because it is ugly and full of hate and anger. It is the part of me invoked when I'm fucked over again, when I'm stabbed in the back again, when I'm betrayed again, when my ideas are stolen again, when despite all the good I've done in the world, it's pain for the heathervescent again.
I've been reading a lot of the Tao Te Ching lately. It's about the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists these days.
The Master has no mind of her own.
She works with the mind of the people.
She is good to people who are good.
She is also good to people who aren't good.
This is true goodness.
She trusts people who are trustworthy.
She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.
This is true trust.
This kind of sentiment crushes the Old Heathervescent. I mean, does it make you inspired to continue living with 99% of fucked up humanity? It does not inspire me.
Yes, yes, I know, there is the good, the evolved, the beautiful in this world. Oh, believe me, I know about it. But sometimes, like now, all the beauty in the world doesn't matter.
Behind my positive futures is a raging hatred for the current reality. For the small-minded limited thinking of our race. I don't think we can evolve as a species fast enough. I, myself, can not wait to escape.