heathervescent

what this is about, accd to you and google

I'm a conflicted blog writer. I write mostly for myself, my memory and because I like to create images with words. I like to transcribe experiences into text. I might polish up the actual events a bit, but it's not hyperbole. I write to remember who I was. I go back and read my blog. I remember what I was going through, what I was thinking and can see immediately how I have changed, evolved, what I have learned. What goals I have reached, what I was struggling with in the past, that today, seems so small. I often wonder why I write much of this in a very public place, for anyone to read.

The answer comes down to, I'm lazy and I type fast.

I also keep this blog public to expose my thoughts/stories/obserations. The good ones and the bad ones. The good stories inspire people, motivate them to evolve, do things they dream of or are just plain fun (explosions, unicorns, the desert). And the bad stuff, well, I write about them to expose those things. I don't want them to be bottled up inside of me. My blog is my witness - as you, the readers are too.

It's this part of my blog writing that I fear the most. I'm afraid what people might think when they read about the heather that is less than ass-kicking. The heather that questions her motivations, the world's motivations, the heather that has lost her faith. The heather that struggles to understand people, hoping, waiting for the best, and constantly disappointed in the unevolved unawareness. (Hey, I am 10 times harder on myself than any other individual.)

Bottom-line: I'm a human struggling to transcend the animal meat and this blog is one track on that path.

But, just because I write this blog for my own reasons, doesn't mean you come here for the same ones.  In fact, you are probably here for very different reasons.

Maybe you just want to find out the next geek dinner and don't care about my philosophical ramblings (hey, I don't blame you, I'm self-absorbed about my observations and analysis of my world). Maybe you're stalking me (a fair amount of you do search for my name and I don't blame you either, I'm an interesting person). But more likely, you're on my blog because you're looking for Aeon Flux Costumes, you want to learn how to write goodbye letters to someone or more recently you've heard about Craig Hightower's death.

So although I write this blog to probe the deep thoughts in my mind, google brings you here for your own reasons. I hope you find what you came for. And if you didn't, I hope you enjoyed the stories.

Exploding Cupcakes: Genius

Here is a picture for your mind. Before I create it, take a moment to clear your mental palate. Take a drink of water from the well of silence.

I love cake and I especially love bringing cake to a birthday party. Yesterday I went to celebrate a friend's such date, and I made cupcakes for the occasion. As I was decorating them, I was trying to think what would be appropriate. Frosting bullets? Marzipan firecrackers? An engine block? A wrench?

Well, we dug around and found some most appropriate candles - little red ones. I'm sure you know which ones I'm talking about. Think back to childhood and independence celebrations. They were really there for decoration, but I should have known better - knowing whose birthday it was.

What started out as cupcakes fit for the cover of better homes and gardens, ended up a salt/peter chocolate sprinkle exploded chocolate mess. Frosting liberated from the cupcakes was deposited on shirts, eyebrows and in hair. Not to mention the earsplitting !!BANG!! Yes, not only were the cupcakes on fire when I got there, they exploded all over the guests. They were pretty yummy too.

So, I think I've just added a new weapon to the hbomb arsenal. Here's the haiku Therm came up after I harassed him and Stuart about counting during our conversation.

I'm doing haiku
that is why I am counting
don't fuck with me bitch

I love my friends.

On Seeing

You see what you want to see. If you don't like what you are seeing,  change what you want to see. Or maybe you are seeing a reflection of yourself. If you don't like that, maybe it's time to change yourself.

On Ruthlessness, Masks and Egotism

Ruthlessness = no pity
No ego
No self-importance
Self pity is just ego
Ruthlessness is no pity
Ruthlessness is no ego
Ego is self importance
Ego is self pity
Ruthlessness hidden by egotism is a tricky ball of string to unravel.

But I have here a skein. Taken me 14 years to unravel.
I know what I will weave with it.

And I will create it for you.
Because generosity is another side of my ruthlessness.

On Dreams, On Living

It's not about how to achieve your dreams
It's how to lead your life
If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself
the dreams will come to you.
- Randy Pausch

Wow! That is one of the most inspiring things I have heard in a long time. And, yes, I did hear it. Thanks to superviva for the pointer.

Don’t miss this Wall Street Journal article and short video in which Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor, full of happy, positive energy—yet soon to die of pancreatic cancer—delivers his “final” speech.

Achieving your dreams, or goals goes hand in hand with living my life. As I live and work to achieve these things I desire, I get to practice being the person I want to be. I get to test out new ways of being, trying new methods, giving people breaks, expecting the best from them - just as I do that for myself.

Because life is not an us vs them fight.

Nobody is doing anything to anyone, let alone to a warrior - Nyei

There are infinitely more beautiful and amazing things to focus on in this reality. Projects to do, ideas to create. There is only one person worth fighting against - and that's my old self - to change, to mold myself, into the best person I can. It's a never ending process.

Countdown to Blastoff

I was pondering death yesterday when the boyfriend sent me this article.

I am now 55 years old. Like a lot of people in middle age my late-night thoughts bend to contemplations about how short my remaining time is. Even with increasing  longevity there is not enough time to do all that I want. Nowhere close. <snip>

I decided to take the idea of number days seriously, and to revisit my earlier experience of counting down my remaining time on this lovely mortal plane. My hope was that a reckoning of my numbered days would help me account for how I spend each precious 24 hours, and to focus my attention and energy on those few tasks and projects I deem most important to me. Indeed, it might help me decide which ones are most important, which is the harder assignment.

I thought this was an interesting concept, so I estimated my death date and created a countdown. Apparently I will die (although I have died before and will yet again) on September 16, 2054. That gives me 17,145 days left.

More Geek Events: She's Geeky & StartupLA

Update, update, update! More geek events, more geek events to announce!!!!!! Here's what I'm doing the last week in October.

First I am going to kick it in Mountain View at the Computer History Museum with a bunch of geeky girls at the She's Geeky unconference!I'm wrangling up a crew of SoCal ladies to represent to the Valley. Here me NorCal - we're gonna Represent.

More details here!

And a little closer to home: it's Startup LA hosted by UCLA on Friday October 26th and Sunday October 27th. Registration is open and if you are fast, you can snag a $25 ticket.

Have you noticed that Silicon Valley and the Bay Area get all the attention when it comes to entrepreneurship and technology? Well, things are about to change, and you can be a part of it. Different that other conferences for entrepreneurs, students, and investors, StartupLA is one that is structured yet free flowing, blending scheduled speakers and presentations with open topics that guests can sign-up for the day of the event.  Attend panel topics ranging from pitching to VCs and raising money, to legal startup advice, to marketing. You can enter the business plan competition or just come to network.

StartupLA is a new conference committed to building the startup community in Los Angeles.

I'm personally really excited about StartupLA because it's taking my vision of creating a sustainable LA technology community to the next level. Plus I'm excited to check out our panels.

Evolve /=/ Die

The universe wants you to evolve. To do so, you must die. Therefore you can choose to evolve or die and in evolving you will die. However, instead of an existential death at the end of the line, you will be reborn and become something else.

Personally, I prefer to know what I am killing and choose my death and it's time. (Hey, we're good friends my death and I.) It's what I become that constantly surprises and terrifies me.

April Fools

Four months ago I replaced my car battery, but I never bothered to update the date. Having the wrong date has proven quite delightful. In the middle of July, I looked down at the clock and exclaimed - "hey, it's my birthday!" (It's really in January.) Later in the month, I was driving around with my uber-collaborator Carmen, and she asked me "Why is it my birthday?" My car was registering her birth date - although we had already celebrated it months prior.

Today I had a delightful laugh when I went to pick up my pal Ewan at the airport. It was April Fools. And what an April fools day it is. I mean, it's not even April, so of course it's a fool! That sure lightened up my recent deep mood.

Time Again

It's time to find the passion again. Where have you gone?

What do I want to do next? Who do I want to be next? All these things I have worked for - what do I want to do with them next? Where do they want to go? What is my role with them? Is my time with them done?

A brief analysis of my life/goals this year has shown success (no surprise here). Success and boredom. I don't want to build a kingdom with myself as Queen reigning over it. That is too obvious and easy. I've been saying recently that I want to be a queen - but that's not true. I want the fluidity to be whomever I want to be. My friend writes about this formlessness impeccably. On the surface, I have it. But deeper, I have work to do. I'm tied to things. I get caught up in the wind of ego - mine and others. And yet, I am detached. Stuff rolls off, I pick what I want to react too and how I want to react (yes, I play many fools and bitches in my "re-actions"). Being enlightened doesn't always mean you have to act enlightened.

I've created, achieved what the universe asked. So now what? I want an adventure. Something delightful, with new and exciting collaborators, financial success, a tie to the past that is a slingshot to the future. I want to work on building empires, taking things to the mainstream masses, although I don't want to be tied to the empire. I'm conflicted about using myself as the face of that empire (whatever that may be). And even if I were to be a face of any empire - the empire of heathervescent - that face, that branded heathervescent - is not the heathervescent. (Oh Taoism, how you sneak in here from that mad scientists house!)

I want to be that elusive mythical builder. Known to all, open to all and secret. I want to onstage, in a spotlight where there is no audience.

I think it's time to go underground again. You know, the only way up is down. The remembering on the edge of remembering. The path maker cairns in  LED lights at a rainy AIR concert at the Greek Theatre.