I'm comitting suicide

<disclaimer for my mom: Don't Freak Out.>

Those of you who have seen me in a more morbid moment - or have known me for a long time, know how I feel about suicide. I'd do it in a moment, and I ponder the possibilities more than a casual observer might guess. I have come to terms with my desire to end my life, and yet, I continue despite, or perhaps maybe because of that desire.

I've recently come up with two solutions to the suicide question. The first, is my simple desire manifested through the use of technology. Don't get me wrong, the only reason I haven't done this yet is because I have too much to do on this earth and wow - it's such a cool place, with so much to learn and explore. But much of the time I share it with total idiots and that makes me very sad and wish I did not exist at all. Other times I want to remove myself from the equation - just stop existing. This happens a fair amount with work. People just piss me off, they make stupid decisions, they don't see the right/impeccable/most efficient way to achieve what they want to achieve. It's very frustrating. More so when there is a boss or client or someone you work for.

So, how could I commit suicide today? or someday soon? (without limiting my actual learning possibility in this world?) Two possibilities:

1. Have a clone of myself made, and then kill myself. Hey, I could even watch and tell myself what it is like.

or 2. (which is what I've been thinking about most recently)

2. Go with the assumption that I have already killed myself. That I am already dead. Act in my life as I would if I was going to commit suicide or had already. I could even stage my own funeral like in Satyricon. The for some purposes (but not necessarily practical ones) I'd be dead. Note: isn't this basically the same thing Monks do. I remember Paramahansa Yogananda talking about some ritual of burning in the fire, which was ritualistically the same thing.

But more importantly, would be my mental repositioning.

1. If I consider myself already dead, then every day I live is a magical gift. Instead of trudging closer towards death, I have tricked death, and gained an additional day through my cleverness. This is an excellent mindset on it's own. But generally difficult to cultivate. (And would I have to commit suicide over and over to maintain this mindset?)

2. Just because you are dead, doesn't mean experience is over.  Like birth, death opens a great door and far greater transportation. So long suckers.

3. The death of Heather as you know her (as I know her). That includes all incarnations of Heather, the vescent one, hbomb, the sister, the daughter, the lover, the friend, and my myriad other identities. There are many reasons to do this, none of which can be written.

I can't imagine the person I'd be (well, I can, and it's frighting - in an awesome way) if I committed suicide. To die and continue to walk the earth. It would be akin to taking the sword out of the sword kozy. It would be lighting the fuse. It would cut the onion.

Maybe it's finally time. 

Comments

[Andrew Warner]

I had a similar feeling about a decade ago. I finally said, "damn it, if I'm going to consider something this extreme, then I should first try not being afraid to take risks."

That crisis point ended up improving my life. It helped me feel less shy and hesitant, and got me to finally say and do what I wanted.

[Thogek]

"This happens a fair amount with work. People just piss me off, they make stupid decisions, they don't see the right/impeccable/most efficient way to achieve what they want to achieve. It's very frustrating."

Oh, that sounds sooo familiar... :-/

[leahpeah]

i've come back and read this three times. it's very powerful.

[Deena Varshavskaya]

This is a brilliant way to get some perspective and a fresh outlook, as well as a heightened sense of your freedom. All of us just cannot help but get caught up in earthly matters and we all need meditations like these on a regular basis to bring us back to, hehe, "life".

[Jenn]

WOW. for some reason, weird, I needed to read that today. thank you.

[Reichart]

When you feel at your lowest, even if infrequently, feel free to call me any time. Not that you are even planning to carry it out. However…these feelings tend not to go away, they just become less frequent. However, if not handled carefully, they simply feel worse when they happen, which sucks.

If not me, make sure you have arranged to talk to someone prepared to simply talk-it-through. You should also offer this to others. As you know, it is not about a pep-talk, but rather about a frame of mind…

Reichart…

[Natascha Forté]

Damn Heather, you took all the feelings right off of my mind and chest. I'm a 28-year-old SBF living in Cincinnati, OH. And, if I need more reason that to commit suicide, the list goes on. But, I think you're on to something with this staging your death thing. I'd like to hear more solutions if you have them... Please?

[the donBosha Osh ToshBosh]

Hey Heather, you still around? I am thanks to you...

[natalie]

I'm just sick of the world and the people in it and how you can't trust anyone, how are we all supposed to keep going knowing this? I do my best, try my hardest and there's always someone around looking how to screw me to make their lives better. I'm tired and want to give up. This doesn't feel worth it. I don't know what to do.

[heather]

I am indeed still around. And if you're reading this, I hope you will join me in trying to be the better person you can be, even though this world and all the people in it are pieces of shit sometimes. :)