"I have already given over to the power that rules my fate..."
"I fear nothing, so I will remember myself."
- Silvio Manuel
In Jonathan Carroll's Land of Laughs, two writers bring characters to life. This is a book about dreaming. It's a story about making a dream reality, a character real. And in reality, that's what we're actually doing. You, yes, you there reading this post, you are a character that is real. Who made you? Did you make yourself? Or was it your parents, teachers, peers, township, culture? Who/What made you who you are? Can you change who you are? (It take a lot of energy.) Do you believe that you have complete and utter control over who you are? Do you know you can change? You can be whatever you want to be. All you have to do is dream. Dream in complete. Dream with spaces for the unknown. Dream "reality."
Because this world is a dream. We perceive it. We perceive it differently. I see the fog outside my window - hiding sutro tower and the mixed feelings travel my nervous system superhighway.
Damn, it's a foggy day again.
Oh cool, the fog is so thick and beautiful.
I can't wait until I'm typing my blog out on the beach in Santa Monica.
I love being wrapped in the cool fog.
I wonder if the sun will come out and I'll still go on a picnic today?
These impressions, these feelings, these emotions, these perceptions. Which Heather do they come from? The norcal snob, the transitioner, the excited changatrix, the enchantress, pragmator, the contrarian.
Layers of the onion. So when you peel the onion, you don't actually throw away the pieces. They are cut, peeled away, added to the pot, fried up with the steak, slivered into the salad.
Back to the dream. You can change who you are. You are changing right now. Do you feel alive? Aware? I'm speaking directly to you, reading this. Can't you hear my voice? These words are not printed matter.
I find it's often helpful to know what you want to change towards and have a picture, vision, algorythm in mind. Otherwise, you may wake up a Bull Terrier. Which I suppose would not be so bad. I wouldn't be so excited to wake up a kafkeque cockroach, but I suppose there are worse things. I could wake up a corporate slave or confused teenager or stuck in a normal boring life.
Para viajar, basta existir. To travel, is to exist.
I love the kinks. especially their album, The Village Green Preservation Society. The song walter just played with these words,
"People can change, but memories of people remain the same."
It's an interesting reminder as I pack and find photos and notes and etc. How precious are these things? These memories I have. The memories people have of me.
I want to erase every moment, every memory someone has of me. Is this an impossible task? I do not care to be memorable. I am memorable. But I do not want to be remembered. And someday, even all the memories of me will be dust. Will be assimilated back into the void. The dark sea of awareness.
I remember in 6th or 7th grade History class. We learned about Latin America and Simon Bolivar. I remember the quote from him on his deathbed, "I have plowed the sea." I hated that quote as a child and adolescent and young adult. It's a quote that has settled in my mind along with, "Everything happens for a reason, sometimes that reason is yet unknown to man and the universe" and "That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".
However, over the past few years, I have become very affectionate about the Bolivar quote. I plan to achieve and do and be much in my life. And I have in the short time I have so far lived. At the same time, I want to leave no trace. I want to release, erase, every memory I have ever had, and anyone has ever had of me.
When I leave this world, I want to have plowed the sea and leave not even a wake.
I was walking on the beach in santa monica towards venice. It was actually about 28 hours ago now.
I was jumping up and down on the sand. I was successful. I did what I came for. I know where I'll be the next 4 months. I have a new mailing address. You could say I'm a Santa Monica resident now. I return to SF only for my belongings. A few more loose ends and then to the south.
I cannot express how excited I am.
Everything is falling into place.
Following the path of least resistance.
Even the ties strengthening in the bay area.
Others have been cut, some released, some bonded more.
There is a reason for all these.
I'm interested to see where they all go. I'm detached, yet in the thick of experiencing. I put my ego aside, yet I feel these emotions so strongly. I am again a tool. I will be a perfect tool.
"I'll give you what you want
except one thing,
I have to escape."
That's the only kind of commitment I can give.
"I took. I went and took.
What did I leave in return?
I'm a catalyst. A tool of the universe. And in being used, I too am sharpened and honed.
it's oh so quiet, possibly maybe, hyperballad
i came across a tape my brother gave me a few years ago (5 or so). the last track included bjork's "it's oh so quiet". I had forgotten about this fabulous song. It trades between very quiet life is oh so quiet and sane and ok and bursts, blasts, clangs, rangs, bells and parades of falling in love belting out of lyrics.
i picked up a couple bjorks at amoeba last week, including telegram, a most excellent remix album. They version of hyper ballad on this album is amazing.
"It's real early morning, no one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things out
I listen to the sounds they make on their way down
I follow with my eyes till they crash
I image what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
and when it lands will my eyes be open or clos-ed"
I have often had the feeling of wanting to impale my body on land masses. I've seen beautiful mountain sunsets that urge me to feed with my blood. When I visited Foz do Iguacu in Brazil/Argentina, it was only a survival code in my brain that stopped me from jumping to my death in the falls. I watched the sun set over corn fields and a riverway from the top of a bluff and pull myself back from the edge, so as to not fly as the black birds already airborne.
It's a strong feeling. It's the overwhelming power of natural beauty. I experience it and desire to experience nothing more. It's my passionate response to large land masses.
This morning Mark Morford (who I love love love) wrote this delightfully delicious column on love and technology. Check it out. It had me laughing in delight (and laughing at meself of a few days back... )
I'm leaving san francisco. it seems these things always happen when you're about to take some big action or change.
I spent the day with one of my best friends. we hung out in various parts of the city. driving through the mission. a back patio in hayes valley. Open faced sandwiches and a trickling fountain. A few hours in Japantown. A stationary shop where I bought a notebook with these words "Be chic about a notebook. Tasty character is our basic criterion." I could say that about my friends. They must be tasty. A conversation sitting on stumps and bark. Tea.
This is a fine pace.
Thinking about how relationships change - because they are forced to change. And as I look in retrospect at relationships that have changed - it has been for the better. It all works out the way it is supposed to.
Buying too many CDs at Amoeba. The Bjork that plays over and over in my mind. Some gems in finding CCR and Chico Science.
Driving to the edge of the western world and then skirting the edge of it with John Fogarty crooling through Proud Mary and Heard it through the Grapevine.
The whole bay as our listening room as I am flashed back to Brazil with Mad Professor and David Byrne remixes of Chico Science e Nacao Zumbi from Twin Peaks.
The meloncoly drive back, signaling the end of a perfect day.
Um dia perfeito. Vamos fazer um filme.
He says, as I go to LA, that I'll be famous next. I'm looking out at the bay. At the helicopters hovering over the bay bridge. At the clouds swimming by above us. At the east bay, where all my dreams came true. But I look at him with a twinkle in my eye and tell him, that then my dreams changed. And that's why I am moving to LA.
I have no choice to but to go. But it's not easy.
Especially after a day like today.
But then again. If I wasn't leaving, a day like today might not have ever happened. And who knows what the future brings. A two seater convertible, a drive in the LA hills. The museum of jurassic tech, my mansion in malibu. (Well, if I am going to be famous, at least now my ego is in check.) I promise to send southwest tickets and meet up in other countries. Who knows what will happen.
I have my dreams. My flight over the ocean. My flight into infinity.
the morning brings Robert Fripp and King Crimson. I found, "A Young Person's Guide to KC" on tape in Amoeba a few years ago. It has a lot of great songs; Cadence and Cascade, I talk to the Wind, Red, Moonchild, and The Court of the Crimson King among others. I especially like "Ladies of the Road". This is one of the most erotic songs I think I've ever heard. I'll quote some of the lines that appeal to me. It's an interesting conflict between the teenage boy and adult woman. Yes, I do love Derek and Clive as much as Sade. I guess I'm a dirty girl.
A flower ladies daughter
as sweet as holy water
said I'm a school reporter
please teach me, I taught her
said I'm a male resister
I smiled and just unzipped her
all you know, that the girls of the row
are like apples we stole in our youth
all you know, that the girls of the row
been around and are versed in the truth
slow frisco spacer
ate all the meat I gave her...
said would I like to taste her
the music is honey in my ears. rock on.
I've been busy packing this week. Packing is great way to remember who you were. I'm finding a lot of memory scraps, cards, travel tickets, promises made and faded away. I also get to listen to music for hours at a time. Right now, I'm listening to Tribalistas. I've written about them before on the blog, and I have to write more about them. I got this album last year when I was agonizing about a lot of decisions and options. It was a reminder from the world, a pointer to follow "the material" and say Yes. ;) One song in particular hits a strong blow. I'll type it below for you to experience it as well. Imagine the Sly and Family Stone song, It's a Family Affair going and these words. (I'm leaving out the portuguese accents, so I'm a lazy one.)
Ja Sei Namorar
Ja sei namorar
Ja sei beijar de lingua
Agora, so me resta sonhar
Ja sei onde ir
Ja sei onde ficar
Agora, so me falta sair
Nao tenho paciencia pra televisao
Eu nao sou audiencia para a solidao
Eu sou de ninguem
Eu sou de todo mundo
E todo mundo me quer bem
Eu sou de ninguem
Eu sou de todo mundo
E todo mundo e meu tambem
Ja sei sei namorar
Ja sei chutar a bloa
Agora, so me falta ganhar
Nao tenho juiz
Se voce quer a vida em jogo
Eu quero e ser feliz
To te querendo como ninguem
To te querendo como Deus quiser
To te querendo como eu te quero
To te querendo como se quer
And I suppose you want to read the english hmmm??? maybe next time around. Back to the pack.
My friend Rosie, who has a birthday today, sent me this. (She got it from a friend of hers.) It's a really great reminder to LIVE.
" No risk, no adventure. Or, as Carl Jung would say: “...follow the
material” : )
I will give you my best advice, for friends, cats, clients, and anyone
-say YES to as many things as you can in life, that’s where living starts
-you will be wrong a lot
-you will be fully alive
-there are no guarantees, and...
-you never know enough
Remember, we are human beings, not human doings."
there is so much airy fairy new age music out there that has as much grounding as the west wind. I really like ambient music. and ambient music sometimes leads me into the whole scary new age music genre. Like the new age movement or religions that consider themselves new age - they are a genre, a gimmick, a brand, a market that satisfies a group of people. That's one reason I have such a problem with "new age" - that and all the crazies who identify themselves to the general society as new agers, thus giving a scewed image. (Kind of like the image our government has created of Americans.)
Anyway, I digress. I dislike the words new age. I dislike boundaries, definitions and cages. I do really like music that takes you places. "Sound can act as a weapon" Old Bill said/wrote once in The Western Lands.
Most folks think that Brian Eno is the father of ambient music... I would go back further... Pink Floyd's early stuff (including Interstellar Overdrive) and Mike Oldenfield's Tubular Bells certainly are ambient masterpieces. Soundscapes. You could say some of the classical composers were ambient forefathers as well... stravinsky's the rite of spring. And there are many works from India, that are soundscapes....
Enter Shelia Chandra. I was introduced to SC about 10 years ago when I ran my own world music radio show at the college radio station. Ryko had just re-released a bunch of her stuff from vinyl on CDs, so I got a slew of her stuff.... one album stood out among the rest: QUIET.
It's a layered soundscape of your mind - including the internal dialog - which you can align with your own to cancel that chatter in your mind. It's one of the most amazing CDs I own and have heard. In QUIET, Shelia is successful in connecting heaven to earth. Of flying to heights and perfectly alighting on a perch.
"To bed now with Bruce and the smell of leather."
I'm sure you have no idea what I mean by that one hmmm??? I'll give you one hint, Bruce is not my boyfriend, he's dead.
Oh my, now that really sounds something nasty..... ;)
Second hint: check out my reading list below...
Today has been so light. I feel so free. Awe. Shoulders back, chest open ......
1. Don't lie to yourself
2. No matter what, never change for someone else
3. Learn as much as you can
4. Don't force your ideas or ideals on others
5. Hate no one
6. Love all you can
7. Wake up happy
8. Never quit
9. Always Question
10. Have a way out
11. ... ... ...
I occasionally come across this piece of paper. It's my rules to live by. I wrote it when I was 15 and have kept it around. I came across it again yesterday as I was packing. It never ceases to amaze me how exactly this is how I live my life.
pack your bags, clear the floor
step out through the open door
leave a note that says goodbye
build a new house, down by the sea
get to the place we were meant to be
you'll know it when you smile
- World Party
This past week, I walked through corporate hallways and buildings. I've taken many trips to company HQ on the east coast in the past several years. It never really occurred to me that one of them would be my last.
As I sit in meetings and meet with people and drive my rental car in the parking garage, I am distinctly aware that I'm saying goodbye. I say goodbye with personal info cards. I say goodbye by continuing to respect my colleagues beyond the negative reasons I'm leaving. I'm saying goodbye by pulling every pedaco of energy that I've attached to my perception of this company, to my colleagues, to my boss, to my products, ideas of myself as an important employee for a huge company, and even this computer that I am typing this message on. I've been a visitor in all these things lives.
There's the self-important part of me want to ramble on. But really, if I stop for a moment it doesn't matter. That idea I had - of myself, my importance it was a visitor too. That's the thing to remember.
We're all visitors and we say goodbye at every moment.
I wrote this last year, when I left AOL. It's here as a reminder to myself.
I'm amped. Strange after being in a car for 9+ hours. I just got back from 2 1/2 days in the Mojave high desert. That short period of time stretched out to 6+ days of experiences.
- grey rodents running across the night two lane road while Jim Morrison rattles his Indian bells and chants
- pockets of sitting places: a bridge, Be Aware; a single drop dripping over and over in perfect time; a rock balanced in the center of a trickling stream; roses in full bloom with desert quail and young scurrying; cacti in bloom with lavender a few feet away.
- goose bumpy flesh, mine, swimming under the stars, practicing with my colleagues on deep purple carpet
- enveloped by a lush green carpet. I have never experienced grass so lush - and in the desert! It was a soft bed. I slept, warm in the morning air.
- painted rocks, placing tender parts on hard rocks, climbing rocks for a vantage view, coyotes voices, the setting sun and infinity.
- connections, remembering dreams, squeaking noises at night, the wind drying the water from my skin
- leaving the habit behind, not the person inflicted or inciting the habit
- affection for those many many people I love. I don't even know if some of them know it.
everything happening according to THE PLAN. (What plan is this Heather, oh it's the unfolding bud plan.)
"This is a fine pace."
Yes, this is a fine pace. The wind welcomed me back to San Francisco with a full body blast that was a kick in the ass... "what are you doing back here??? get down there. you are not supposed to be HERE!" I petition for a few weeks. A few weeks is all to pack my belonging. To start the final paperwork.
This is a fine pace.
The time for vacillating is over. The time for making decisions is over. The time for action has begun. Starting today - Monday. But let's see... first I should get some sleep.
This is a fine pace.
I feel it very strongly. The next time I return to San Francisco, I will be a visitor. This was the last coming home to this city. And to this area.
Good night sweet lady. Good night.
I've really flashbacked on my musical tastes recently. The Police/Sting, GnR!, XTC (Dukes of the Stratosphere) and huge quantities of Pet Shop Boys.
I've been listening to the Pet Shop Boys discography most mornings when I update the blog. It's got all the best PSB songs. West End Girls, It's a Sin., What have I done to deserve this?, Rent, Always on my mind, Heart, Domino Dancing, Left to my own devices, So hard.
It's really great fucked up relationship music with a manic disco dance beat! I enjoy snuggling into the sugar pop of disco beats with a cup of coffee, a view of 'frisco and my thoughts. The Police also has many many great messed up relationship songs.
"I could leave you, say goodbye
or I could love you if I tried
and left to my own devices I probably would..."
I've been driving around SF and the peninsula rocking out the Guns N Roses. I remember the first time I saw Axel Rose on MTV. Last month I finally bought a couple CDs. Appetite for Destruction and Use Your Illusion 1. I can't but help thinking about LA as I listen to Welcome to the Jungle and Paradise City. Then I overdose on the power ballads on UYI1, Live and Let Die, Don't Cry and November Rain. Listening to GnR really satisfies my teenage boy - because one of the layers to Heather's onion is the teenage boy, stuck at 14 and getting into trouble. From Axel the jump to T Rex and Mick is easy like sunday morning.
Kalina has some great things on her blog lately.... I especially love the advice from the Ouija board.
And it was a really wonderful reminder of the eagles take it easy song. Thanks K! I'll quote:
Well, I'm running down the road
tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she's a friend of mine
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
and take it easy
-- The Eagles
It's an overcast day here out my window. Low clouds over San Francisco. The tips of Sutro Tower (Pao de Asucar) dragging it's three prongs in the fog, like dragging your fingers in water.
Touch the world lightly.
The big tasks are progressing. The house should be more or less prepped to go on the market early next month. It's not hard to divide objects, contents of the house, friends. My anger seeps in when we talk about bank accounts, 401k, stock accounts, house profits. There are good days and bad days. There are papers to file. Attorney's to pay. The world of hustling, not honest contributions. Detachment is the key.
Not a lesson I am enjoying learning.
One day, many years ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table. It was a humid balmy midwestern day. I watched as a spider dropped down from the chandelier onto the table. It detached itself from the thread and walked down the table away from where it came. The spider had everything it needed to survive.
You have everything you need.
I've been thinking about speaking in gestures. The world understand gestures. Those times you go out on a limb. The times you take a risk. Because, really, what do you have to lose except some self-importance.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm heading south to the edge of the Mojave to this amazing ranch in the San Bernardino Mts north of LA. I really want to spend more time out there, but I have boxes to pack, a house to sell, etc. etc. I'll have lifted all roots from the Bay Area soon enough.
There are other things I could get all excited about. Want to make actions or have decisions made. But now is the time of waiting. As much as I like to do it myself, the world doesn't go on Heather's timeline. So I'll wait. I'll watch. I'll learn. I'll be detached while feeling the full range of emotions. That's controlled folly. Complete detachment while in thick of it.
this was just what I needed to read. thank you oh wonderful universe for the reminder.
"little is worth doing in this reality if it does not involve learning"
this is so true. that is why I write this blog. it's true, it's about me. it's about my experiences and learnings. It's why I work, breathe, live. It's to learn. To learn about myself, my world, my culture, my thoughts. To learn about different points of view.
learning, learning, learning. and nothing stays the same.
The real reason I was in Maui last week was to attend the first ever Cameraphone Summit hosted by my pal Moses Ma. Official site and info can be found here:
I met a bunch of really interesting people and companies. I'll mention the ones that struck my fancy below.
Fotonotes - sounds interesting. Ability to add annotations to photos - because photos have stories. I'm going to check this company out more because the demo I saw was very cool.
Flickr - I'm not exactly sure what this site is all about. It's a flash application that runs to upload your photos and basically create a group online with a bunch of other functionality like IM.
GoPix - You can send electric greetings via email - why not send them to and from your phone. GoPix puts together greetings (your photo from the cameraphone) and voice recording, plus a border or theme and send it to an email or another phone. Cool!
Yafro Games - from the guys at Hot or Not, imagine mobile camera games.
Adobe - Adobe had an interesting xmp structure that is like an xml data structure attached to jpgs for various searching functions. Currently you can only use it with Adobe products, but image if Google picked this up for searching functionality. In the xmp data sidecar you can put various information and maybe even trademark, copyright and ownership information. It would make it easier to search and use photos posted to the web as long as the sidecar was kept with the image datafile.
Don Norman from the Norman Neilson Group (Jakob Neilson - the usability guru) spoke on cameraphones and had some really interesting things to say. Simplicity is naive. This caught me because you hear so much in software companies to keep is simple (KISS - Keep it simple, stupid!). We are complicated people - keeping it simple, keeps it from doing many functions. If you are building a product that does a lot of things build a cognitive map - a detailed user scenario / use case - to really focus on how people are going to use the product.
BlueLava - games on phones.
SnapNPost - I wanted to talk to these guys more because they had some interesting ideas. Another site that posts cameraphone photos to the web.
StoryManager - This sounds like a great little company. It's basically your business and marketing department distilled down to an application. LOTS of sole props can really benefit from what I saw. Talk to Steve Sue. VERY COOL!!!
Elliot Maxwell, Mark Resch and Greg from fotonotes and I had an interesting conversation about the impact of technology on kids today and social interactions. I don't have any answers, I have opinions and I'm going to continue to watch to see how we as human primate d/evolve. ;)
Of course I also had my multiple cents about multiple identities and how people use them and how technology and the do NOT facilitate managing the various technology personalities and levels of intimacy. FOAF is a baby step towards the technology levels of importance with other people's technology identities. Plaxo is also a baby step. We'll have to see what Google does with Gmail and Orkut and their upcoming IPO.
Maybe I'll have to start a company that deals with the identity issue. AIM took the first step by launching my Screen Name Linking feature, but it is a mere baby step and I bet AOL is not planning to do much more on that feature. Too bad that company owns the patent (with my name on it) instead of me personally owning it. Ah, the delights of working for a HUGE organization.
Product Development Alert!
I'd like to see a photo or blog company make it easy to make a physical product based from my content. Ofoto and Shutterfly do this with digital photos that are uploaded. You can even create a photo album that will be sent to you all bound and everything. You can add captions and make it a gift for someone. So why not do this with blog entries?
Be sure to check out these fun activities!!! (Be aware that my spelling of these names is very poor. Pick up the "Maui Revealed" guidebook for great fun.
No need for a 4WD unless you are planning some serious off-roading. You can go all the way around the island (all round Hana and west Maui) with no problem. Even the one lane roads and gravel are fine.
Petroglyphs just south of Lainha in Olwalu. These are a short walk from a parking area with native (and not so native) vegetation. The petroglyphs have seen better days, so be careful, there are lots of big rocks hiding in the grasses.
Aloha Mixed Plate in Lahina. Go to this place. It's a great outdoor eatery. Not that expensive and good traditional mixed Hawaiian food.
Stone Mushroom and the Olivine Pools. Be sure to drive around west Maui. You'll find these beautiful pools right where the pavement changes and the road narrows. There are a couple pools just west of the "official" olivine pools that were really empty. They get a bit more ocean movement - so be careful when the ocean is rough.
Last year when I visited Maui I got a fabulous scrape at the Olivine Pools. This year was no different! I was really tempting fate when I was splashing about in this pool and a 15 foot wave crashed in on these lava formations. I was attempting to hang onto the lava when one smashed into me and took me for a rock surf. Luckily I only got a little scrape on my hand, arm and butt. At one point in the surffest I looked down and saw only foam. I thought, hmmm, this is delightful. I popped out of the foamy surf laughing. I am no Birth of Venus - cool and reserved.
The Iao Needle. This was ok. There were kids playing in the streams here which was cool and it was nice to see a canyon, but all in all I was not blown away. I may have been a bit tired.
Pa'ia. I love this town. It's billed as a "hippy" town on Maui and I guess it is. It reminds me somewhat of Haight Street (SF) and Telegraph Ave (Berkeley). First thing I do when I get to Maui is go to Paia. It's only about 10 minutes from the airport. I buy my straw cowgirl hats there (there's a hat place on the right just as you come into town). I got my bikini at Maui Girl on the main drag (turn right at the light and park). And I fueled up as we came back from Hana at Charley's. The burgers and beer were just what we needed after a 11 hour day of driving and fun. Stop here and check out the stores. Support local color.
The Road to Hana. There are a ton of guides for this. Do it backwards. Start out by skirting the volcano (don't go to south Maui) and then drive on the oh so scary roads on the southeast. There are stretches of gravel and badly paved one and one and a half lane roads. These are great roads and if you go early you'll meet only the locals. The upcountry is beautiful with highland meadows with cows grazing and pheasant. We even met a tractor on the road.
The seven sacred pools. It's a national park so you can use your national park pass. Try to get here early because this is a well known place. Maui revealed has a great description of this place and the Pipiwi trail, so use that. Let's just say that you'll not only see amazing waterfalls, guava trees, huge banyan trees and a bamboo forest! It's a great and fairly easy 4 mile roundtrip hike.
My friends and I stopped off under the huge banyan tree to do some tree climbing - it was a huge tree and looked so fabulous for climbing. We noticed some flip flops at the bottom of the tree but we didn't see anyone up in it, so we started climbing it, only to find a couple people having an intimate moment. There's plenty of room for some action up there - but I'm not so sure about the comfort level.
I stopped by the Venus Pool and that was beautiful. And I heard great things about the blue pool. Be sure to take lunch with you on the Hana trip because Hana has not many food options... There are lots of places looking to get exchange your money for a hana packed lunch. ;)
I've still not made it to South Maui or the crater. I've heard amazing things about La Perouse Bay (especially snorkeling at Fishbowl) and the Sliding Sands trail in the crater.... I can only imagine that it must be somewhat like the Mojave, yet completely different.
So, go have fun now!!!
My friend Marlee was telling me a story about Onions. She was looking for the core of an onion - the center of the onion - at which level does the onion become the center? Her conclusion was that the whole onion is the core.
I've been thinking about this the past few months and more so in the past few days. An onion. I feel like an onion. There are so many masks to my personality. "Still know nothing about me." None of them are fully who I am. "Steal my eyeballs and come back for the sockets." But they are all some part. "Pour over everything in my C.V." But each of those masks are part of me. "Run every kind of test, from A to Z." And make up a core of who I am. "Run my name through your computer." Yet at the same time, it's not me. "Take my fingerprints, if you are able." Who I am is a fleeting feeling. "Search my house with a fine tooth comb." And no one knows me all. "Check if I paid my income tax." There is but one person who does. "Pick my brain, pick my pockets." C'est Moi.
I was talking with my friend barbarzinho today and the subject of how we see other people came up. We were sitting in Cafe Borone in Menlo Park. I had just come from a few hours in Filoli (more on it later). He said he didn't identify me with the way I look - or visually - more with my personality and voice. I said I sometimes look in the mirror and am surprised with what I see. What I look like is rarely who I think I am. I don't know what I would expect me to look like, but I am often surprised. We talked about knowing people not visually. On more than one occasion I have looked at friends and seen them different. It's always a strange sensation. It's seeing them on a different level. It's seeing them through a different lens.
The sunshine glinting off a couple grey strands. Seeing a face differently, as if in a dream. A feeling. Affection.
this is the first of it's kind. an email from an x-bf arrived in the past week. I found it today buried in 1500+ spam email messages to an account I rarely use (the one on this site ;) ). It was one of those breakoffs that had some bloody loose ends. He was a complete asshole and I was young.
I had started working to resolve those bloody stubs about a month ago, as I was dealing with the friend purging stuff ... and then here a message arrives of more of less the same caliber that I was thinking to send. It's going to always be so interesting to me to watch how the syncronicities of life happen to me. It's the way it unfolds. There is nothing for me to do breath and live and pay attention. FUN! I love being alive in this body.
Not that surprising. I love these things. I don't know what it is about them, but I love seeing what other people and things say about me. Of course I have that Sting refrain "Still no nothing about me" going through me head. Because I know with complete and utter certainty that I could, have and will drop/change all of these characteristics of my personality at any time. Be aware. ;)
Your dominant hues are red and yellow... most of what you do is motivated by your need to change things and have a good time, but you've been known to settle down and think out a situation, too. You tend to surprise people just when they're starting to feel like they've got you down.
Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.
Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.
I got this AWESOME orange bikini today in Pa'ia, Maui. Unfortunately it was an hour and half before my flight left to return to San Fran. but it's brazilian cut and the top is large enough to fit my LA size titas. (No implants needed.) They have been the bane of my bikini existance as I LOVE love LOVE brazilian cut bikinis, but they mostly make them for women with tiny tits (prefered brazilian body type: big butt tiny tits). But now, I have the tiny tanga bottom with the top that fits but is not like all midwestern and sheit. ;)
I'm reading Bruce Chatwin's Biography and it's very interesting. (5+ hours on SF to Maui and back get's you a long stretch of reading time). It's interesting to read about Chatwin's personal history. Of course, this is not all there was to/about him, but it's a different view. I'm learning a lot more about him from behind his writing, things I wouldn't necessarily have gotten from reading his stuff. There are things I identify about him. Things I cannot. Surprise, envy, excitement, sorrow. It's such a candid look at a person. A real person.
I was on a dive trip once and I spent an evening talking with this guy. At the beginning of the evening we knew hardly anything about each other. We just had our small interactions to base our judgements of each other. The night waxed late. The air was balmy and it was time to turn in. I think I asked him what he thought of me after the candid conversation we had had - I don't remember his answer, or if he did. I do remember he asked me what I thought of him. I pondered for a moment. Before that evening, I thought he was a happy go lucky free wheeling diver sporty guy with a baseball cap and moustach from the 80s. After that night of conversations, he became a real person to me. He told me some great stories. Those masks we wear in front of so many people came off during our conversation. He became a real person, and I no longer had a judgement about who I thought he was. My judgement didn't matter. He was a real person, with varied textures, passions and wounds and stories and interests. That's what it came down to. He was another person.
That's what I feel is happening with Chatwin. He's becoming a real person to me. Not this vision of who I think Chatwin is. Of course I will never experience Bruce Chatwin in the flesh - his dust is buried in Greece. But my preconceptions: feelings of glamour, excitement, jealous of his travel and adventures, etc. are burning off. What matters is that he was a real person. He lived, he experienced, he traveled, he wrote, he died.
And after all, I have my own set of Chatwinesque adventure stories and statues...