I've been really angry recently. Pissed in fact. If you know me, you know this is not a normal state. And this emotion has perplexed me the past few days.
I've been going through a lot of BIG changes in my life. Changes in world views, what I want, who I am, work, partner, etc. I've got a large social network. But how many of those people are my "friends"? And to what extent? I've been pondering about what makes a friend a friend. I have "friends" I have known for a long time. There is history, but no current connection. Conversation is boring, talk about the old days, when we had something in common. Talk about what we are currently doing, but it's just skin deep. Unfulfilling.
Then there are my "friends" who argue with me. Tell me that my point of view is wrong. They make judgments, take sides. I feel like they attempt to convince me of their point of view, while not understand my own. People are different and have different points of view. However this becomes a problem when people can't agree to disagree. So if you disagree on some major points, then what?
What about "friends" who say they'll be around but are not. They rarely respond to email, phone, trying to meet up takes weeks to coordinate and they is rescheduled. How many attempts before you give up? When is the point reached where the energy you give to a relationship does not come back?
What about all these bitches? Do I write them off? They are not here in my time of need and distress. (Yes, I am fully aware they have their own reason, but I always has my own reasons too.) They do not necessarily support me through my hard times. What now?
Certainly I have friends who are not these bitches. They are the ones I share my intimate thoughts, fears, desires, expectations, and obscure corners of my mind. There are very few of them.
So, why is it so hard, to realize, that people change. I myself have changed. And so have these people I have known for years. Perhaps they are thinking the same thing about moi. Things do not stay the same. People change, and as that change occurs, friendships dwindle and fade. Personal focus is on other things.
Still, knowing all this, doesn't make it sting or hurt any less. Or make my hard times any easier.
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